⚠️depression & suicide ideation⚠️
I was sitting on my bedroom windowsill watching the stars shining brightly in the dark night sky, I watched the flame of the cherry scented candle I'd lit dancing and creating shadows on my bedroom walls. I had my white fluffy blanket wrapped tightly around my arms although I really needed a hug right now i didn't want to bother anyone so I wrapped my blanket as tight as possible around myself and clung tightly onto a pillow in a desperate effort to feel some form of physical affection.
I just wanted Helena to come and hold me and tell me it would all be ok but a voice inside my head was telling me that if I complained to her she would get sick of me always being sad so I forced myself to put on a smile in front of her and everyone else. Besides Helena was away shooting for a new film for a few more weeks now so even if I wanted to I couldn't hug her, not right now anyway.
I tried to focus my eyes on the bright stars and the beautiful orange flame beside me but the tears that formed in my eyes blurring my vision as I let my tears fall feeling each one hit my shirt as they fell from my cheeks.
I was thinking of everything and nothing at the same time hoping that I would wake up and it all be a dream and I'd actually be happy.
I was sitting staring at the trees swaying gently in the wind and began to imagine what if I just stopped, what if I let go right now. I leaned out the window slightly feeling the wind cool on my face. I began leaning slightly more not caring if I fell. And that's when I felt a pair of small hands pull me back and pull me into a tight hug, one that I had needed for so long. I tensed up until I caught a glimpse of who it was and relaxed when I realised that it was hellie.
"Y/n what were you doing darling ?" Helena asked with a concerned but somehow comforting tone "I-I just I don't know I'm just so tired" I managed to get out before more tears streamed down my face soaking Helenas clothes as she hugged me tighter.
"Come on love let's get you away from the window it's bloody freezing, how about we have cuddles and watch a movie hm ?" Helena asked pulling me away from the window walking with me to the living room "y-yeah that sounds good thank you hellie sorry you have to deal with this" I said feeling extremely guilty for Helena having to comfort me when she just got back home "hey don't you apologise to me y/n you've done nothing wrong darling" she reassured as we reached the living room. She went and grabbed the remote and some blankets, she then turned a movie on and wrapped me tightly in a blanket "I'm just going to make us some tea love Is that ok ?" She asked with a small smile "yeah that would be lovely thank you hellie" I answered forcing a sad smile back.
A few moments later Helena came back with 2 cups of tea and some snacks to eat while watching the movie. Although Helena thought I didn't notice she kept glancing in my direction checking on me every now and then making sure I was ok. The movie had ended and Helena decided that I would now have had some time to gather my thoughts and relax so she decided to speak up.
"So y/n, do you wanna talk about what's going on ?" She asked cautiously "I don't even know where to start I just think everything getting too much for me and I don't feel like I can do it anymore" I said with a shaky voice "why didn't you tell me love ? I'm always here for you, you don't need to go through any of what you're dealing with alone I love you so so much and I need you to know that I'm here for you" she said to me pulling me into an even tougher hug now "t-thank you hellie" I replied trying my best not to cry again.
She kissed my forehead and rocked me until I fell asleep in her arms. She watched over me for the next couple of weeks day and night making sure that I was doing ok. She would regularly hug me and ask how I was doing and whenever I seemed sad or maybe like I was having a bad day she made sure to let me know that she was there for me and wanted to listen to everything I had to say which made it a lot easier for me to talk to her about all the stuff that was going on. She continuously told me how incredible I am and how much she loves me which boosted my mood a bit and she always tried her best to make me laugh at least once a day which helped as well. I really couldn't ask for anyone better, how did I get so lucky.
(Sorry if some of this was deep also sorry if there's spelling or grammar mistakes it's late and I'm tired so I didn't proofread it hope you're all doing good love you 💖)
