I See You

Chapter 8: She is special

Trigger warning: There are implications of self-h**m, and su***dal thoughts, please do not continue reading if you are in a sensitive place and it could affect you. 

Aaron

"You've been blaming yourself all this time huh?" She is special. I knew it the moment she started banging on the door. She has the ability to understand others, even when they have shown only a small part of themselves. She has talent. She reads into me, like I am an open book. She takes the small crack in the door as the chance to see everything. To see everything that goes on inside my head.

Honestly at first I thought she was annoying. She had tried to push herself into someone else's business, which wasn't her place. She had tried to pressure me into admitting that I was... hurting myself. She should stop doing that, sticking her nose into where it didn't belong. But...

It is usually sympathy. Everyone else would look at us with eyes of pity. 'Oh, poor things,' they are probably thinking in their heads. But she, she is different. She actually understands our pain. Our emotions. She isn't pitying us. She understands us. Is this why my brother seemed to light up everytime he was texting her?

My brother may not even get to see either of us. I might not get to see him light up the world with that smile and those eyes of his. I might not be able to see him happy again.

All because of me.

Because after all, it is all my fault... isn't it?

'You know... It's not your fault...' Her voice echoes in my head. Is it really not my fault? The floodgates trembled, groaning loudly. Cracks started to form on those giant, tall, strong gates that had never once wavered. Then, they opened and all the water came crashing out. All the water that had been gathered up for years, came flooding out. That wall that had been up for so long was defeated. She took away all of my defences, and I felt exposed.

But for some reason, it feels like I am able to reach the top of the ocean and breathe some air for a while. I notice the water dripping from my chin.

I thought I forgot how to cry. Since a long time ago.

. . .

James

My eyes flicker open, and I blink several times. Eyes watering from the glaring lights. Why... Why am I still here?

I turn my head slightly and see my brother.

His eyes are baggy and his hair is messy. He looks like he hasn't been taking care of himself, which is funny, because it feels like forever since the time he was always bugging me to take care of myself. To bathe, to brush my teeth. Like... a parent. As I stare at him, I know that him doing this is like a parent too. Maybe he loves me more than I know. More than I can comprehend. Maybe he doesn't deserve all the hate I have been throwing his way the past two years. Guilt washes over me, nearly bringing me to tears. I promise myself that I will treat him better. That I will give him a chance and try to understand him. Or maybe I'll just leave his life and make everything easier for him. It is a win-win. I'll leave this hell. He'll be relieved of me.

My eyes move to a handkerchief tied around his wrist. Is that...dried blood? No, he didn't. Did he? But I know that he probably did. Again. I cause him so much stress. Maybe I should stop blaming him for Mum's death. I had no one else to blame. It was the only way I could live in denial and live like everything was okay. But now I don't have to blame him anymore. Because I don't want to live.

I start to feel the weight on my legs and look at Daisy. Her hair is frizzy, all over the place, and covering her face. My instinct is to reach out and push her hair aside, so that I can see her face. Her round eyes that I know are brown, and bring comfort. She stirs.