Lonely Hearts

SABRINA

I want to start off by saying, I have never been that girl; I am not a cheerleader or a prom queen, I'm not an artsy kinda girl or a gamer girl. All of my life, I have just been there, just simply existing in the background of everyone else's exciting lives. I feel like a ghost; I see everyone around me, but they don't see me. It's not like I haven't tried or don't want it enough. I want to feel something real. I want to have a connection with others, but it seems like whichever group I'm just always the odd one out.  It didn't matter how I changed my hair, interests, or style, people would still exclude me because it was obvious I didn't fit into their world.  I don't know why I didn't fit in. I spent long nights thinking about if I tried too hard or if there was something wrong with my personality. Was there something wrong with me? I just don't know. It's exhausting, wasting my tears on people who don't even care about me, wondering why I didn't get invited or why they don't like me back. However, deep down at the end of the day, I still long for their approval.

I am a straggler and there were others like me. I had a "Friend", Jaclyn. She was a year older than me. My sophomore year of high school, she sat beside me at lunch because she was new and I was sitting alone. She was nice, we talked about her hometown. Jaclyn didn't have many friends back home just like me. We both bonded over Glee and exchanged numbers. Even though we sat with each other at lunch everyday we didn't have this super deep connection. We just talked about random things going on in school, the media, and whatever else. I really enjoyed her company, I was sad when she went off to college. In the first few weeks, we would text back and forth like we were having a conversation at lunch and then it just fell off.

Sometimes I think about the little regret I have of not trying to form a deep friendship with her. Having somebody is better than having no one. I wish I could mean something to someone. I watch everyone around me on social media, posting their lives and living it up. It seems like everyone has a boyfriend, going to parties, or doing something cool and I am just stuck in my room scrolling on my phone. I know life goes at different paces for everyone, but at the same time, I feel so far behind. It's embarrassing being 18 years old and still not having experienced anything, not even my first kiss.

I bounce between caring or not caring at all about all this stuff. I feel like I should stop feeling sorry for myself and continue to try. Trying is the only thing that will get you somewhere. Then other times I think to myself that it's not going to matter in 30 years from now, it's just going to be a faint memory.That I am fine by myself. Until a couple of weeks ago,my thoughts changed again and I started to care. I realized that I didn't want to be left behind anymore. I needed to live life to the fullest and go with the flow. I didn't want to be a background character; I wanted to have the spotlight on me and be the one who calls the shots. I needed to let myself be in control and not let anyone else dictate my feelings.

But Kyle..oh Kyle is the person who made me realize this. Kyle and I have known each other since we were kids. We met in the fourth grade when he first moved to town and became my neighbor. Our moms clicked, and we both became friends quickly. We played with each other a lot. His family would always come over, and we would have family dinners together. Kyle and I would tell each other everything. When Kyle's parents were going through a hard time because of his dad's alcoholism, I was there for him. I gave him my shoulder to cry on.

When my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, he lent me his shoulder too. He even shaved his head with me to support my mom. He was my buddy, and I was his. As our friendship grew, I developed a crush on him. I didn't want to make things weird, but I guess it was obvious because other kids caught on and started teasing him. I don't think it bothered him at first. When I noticed it did, our friendship didn't feel the same. He said nothing ,just started coming over less and less,got short and dry with texts, would barely answer my calls, and  finally, once I got the hint to leave him alone, there was no more Kyle.