Why They Call Me 'Four'

Why They Call Me 'Four': The Fear Landscape

"See if you can figure out why they call me Four."

"What's your real name?" she asks.

"See if you can figure that out too."

I take the syringe and inject the fear serum into both of us, hoping I am not making a terrible mistake.

Instantly, we are transported to the top of the building, hundreds of meters above the ground - my first fear. The wind whips around us, whistling against the roof. I can feel my breathing quicken to the point where I could no longer control it, and notice I've been leaning against Tris for support. Though we're almost ten feet away from the edge, I feel as though it's pulling me nearer, beckoning me down, down, down.

"We have to jump, don't we," she says. I nod tersely, even the thought of doing so making me dizzy. My arm is around her, mostly to support myself. I force myself to breathe, my fists clenched at my sides.

"On three, okay?" she says, her voice nearly carried away by the roar of the wind. "One....two..."

I do not want to do this. I refuse to move.

"Three!" She sprints, dragging me with her, and I too burst into a run. Then, we are falling, the air whipping past us as the ground approaches. I close my eyes, and when I open them, the scene has disappeared. We are on our hands and knees on a hard surface, and oddly, I am grinning. Was I petrified? Of course. But did I choose Dauntless for that rush, the feeling of adrenaline as I was terrified and yet free?

Hell yes.

I was still gasping, holding a hand to my chest, until Tris helped me up. Her hands were smooth, and so small - but strong, firm.

"What's next?" she asks.

I feel a knot of anxiety tug at my insides. "It's-"

The walls slam into us, and before I can even begin to try to get a grip, I am surrounded by thick, solid barriers. Tris is pressed up against me, and I have to slouch and fold my arms into my chest just to make room for both of us.

"Confinement," she says. I groan. I am breathing too fast already, my heart hammering. The air is scarce. We will suffocate in here.

"Hey, it's okay...." she says, even though I know perfectly well that it is not okay.

"Here..." she pulls at my hands, guiding them around her body. I shiver. My heart hammers faster as she puts her face near mine, though I convince myself it's just because of my rising panic.

"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small," she says. I nod, but I can't take it. I'm trembling so badly I'm certain she can feel it, and I'm approaching hyperventilation.

"....so what you need to do is make the space smaller." She has been talking to me, and I didn't realize it. "Make it worse so it gets better. Right?"

I can barely open my mouth to speak, but I choke out a strangled "Yes."

"Okay. We'll have to crouch then. Ready?"

The next few minutes I am certain that I am going to die. She curls up into a ball, and I go down with her, my arms still around her. I am breathing rapidly down her neck.

"Ah," I murmur. I. Cannot. Breathe. "This is worse. This is definitely..."

"Shh," she silences me. "Focus on me."

She repeats what I told her about the simulation, and reminds me I need to slow my heartbeat in order for us to get out. If only it were that simple. My mind is beyond my control now, and it is being run on adrenaline and complete panic.