His Tour Guide

Chapter 22

The rest of that day passes in a blur of sex, sweat and music, with food thrown in when we needed fuelling. The mirror was a hit, so was a silk scarf we found that ended up around my eyes and then my wrists. By 10pm we are both exhausted and climb into bed in his room to sleep. He has his first recording session tomorrow, and as hard as it is going to be we are going to have to keep our relationship on the down low. I know that the boss wanted me to make sure Jimin was happy, but I think this far exceeded his expectations. I could very well loose my job for not being professional, and that really isn't what I want to happen.

The alarm goes off, and we get up and get ready like a regular couple. He has a shower whilst I sort breakfast and he eats while I get dressed. Ji-Ho has organised a cab to collect us so when the intercom goes we grab our phones and stuff and head down.

When we pull up outside the recording studio Ji-Ho and Min-Jun are waiting for us. There are no fans or paparazzi anywhere to be seen. I think his choice of a very small intimate studio has probably worked wonders. If anyone is trying to find him they are probably camped outside either Abbey Road or Sony.

I walk in ahead of him, I start at 9am, but Nancy is there at 8:30am to unlock. She sees me arrive with him but come in separately and shoots me a look. I try to breeze over it with a bright good morning, but she just grunts at me. I put my bag down and start logging on to my machine when he enters the building and comes to sign in. I let Nancy take the lead and she arranges his passes and gives him the keys to the room he will be in. She asks him to follow her and she takes him to the adjacent green room where he can wait for his sound engineer to arrive.

He was scheduled to only be recording until midday but his juices must have been flowing because he didn't come out, when it got to 1pm he still wasn't out so I took my lunch break. I needed to catch up with Lori so I call her whilst walking to the little sandwich shop around the corner.

"Dish the dirt bitch" she says as she answers and I burst out laughing. My whole lunch hour is filled with recounting a lot of details, screeches and excitement and i'm all flushed again by the end of it. We all of a sudden get a bit serious when she says to me "please don't forget that he is only here for a little while and will go back to Seoul eventually. I know you too well and you will be hoping for the fairy tale. Life isn't a Disney film, I don't want you to be unrealistic and get hurt. Please just treat this as what it is, an extended hook up and make the most of it". I know she means well but that was a punch in the stomach. He could be falling for me, I could be the princess he has always wanted, couldn't I?

Somewhere in the back of my mind I have a tiny voice straining to be heard. It's the little part of me called self doubt and loathing. It's decided right now to start on me. I hear it, in a stark voice it tells me "don't be stupid, he is just using you, he doesn't want anything more than a few bunk ups whilst he is in town, once he is finished recording he will drop you like your hot and disappear. You are not even that pretty, he only wants you for your boobs and arse, what do you actually have to offer someone like him?"

I feel like I'm falling through the floor. Plummeting into a black hole. I've spent so long trying to be happy with myself, confident, and aware of what I can bring to a relationship but like anyone who has depression will tell you, you can keep reiterating these mantras to yourself until you are blue in the face, but your black cloud or black shadow will always tell you you are wrong in such a definite tone that you start to believe it. That's the slippery slope.

"Aimee, are you ok?" She says after what must have been a spell of silence. "I don't want to upset you honey, I just can't see you broken again. I want to protect you" she says with real genuine concern in her voice. I fell hard for my last boyfriend, fully invested in him, let him move in with me and was certain that was it for me, but he had different plans and cheated on me, more than once. Like an idiot I always believed him when he said he would change, up until that last day when he packed up and left, telling me he was tired of me and couldn't be suffocated anymore. I'd never thought I had been like that with him, in fact I think I gave him too much rope. Turns out he had got a girl from work pregnant. They are married now with a little boy. It still stings thinking about it.

When he disappeared from my life I disappeared too. I stopped eating, lost my job, Mum and Dad had to pay my bills so I didn't lose the flat, I found it hard to get up in the morning, didn't find anything excited me and the only person I truly had was Lori. She was amazing. Checking on me daily, holding me while I sobbed, she got me to the doctors and on meds which helped and she has built me back up in the last 2 years.

"Yeah, I'm ok. I know what your saying and why you are saying it. I will keep my feet on the ground ok? I won't get carried away. I love you" I say hoping to alleviate her concern. She tells me she loves me too, a faint crack of emotion in her voice and we decide to speak later. I shake of my bad feeling. It is not going to take me again. I'm strong and i'm fierce I tell myself in my head. I scream it louder than that little voice, and for the moment I silence it.