The Memory Playlist

Can't Help Falling In Love

Niki.

"I'll be out in just a minute, Baby Doll," Andy says from the bedroom.

I sigh and pull my dad's leather jacket closer to my body, a chill running up my spine. I readjust the dress underneath, trying to keep from destroying my make-up. My dad's funeral is today.

My entire life has changed. My father's death has taken a toll on every little detail of my life. My mother hasn't spoken to anyone, not me, not Timmy, not Riot, not anyone even remotely close to the family. I can't go more than a minute without thinking about him and when I do I start crying. I'll shut down and do absolutely nothing if it gets too bad.

My dad was... my dad. He was rude and sarcastic and genuine and inspiring and supporting and didn't deserve the cards he was dealt. He's the one who raised me to fall in love with Motley Crue and Ratt, the person who told me I wasn't wrong for standing up for what I enjoy. He always kept my head up. When I fell, he picked me up and told me I could do anything I needed to feel better.

I start crying again. My dad is gone. Forever. No more drives, no more music, no more hugs, no more arguing, no more him.

"Baby Doll?" Andy asks from behind the door.

I sob as crouch down. The flat tone in my ears is driving me insane. I hear the door opening, then Andy's body is crouching down by me, starting to sit on the tile. He pulls me into his lap. I sob, knowing my make-up is smearing again but not caring anymore.

"Sh," Andy whispers. "It's okay. It's okay."

"He's gone!" I sob.

Andy pauses briefly, having done this with me a thousand times already, then starts again. "Baby, it's okay," he says. "You're going to be okay."

I sigh. "I'm sorry," I say, wiping my tears with my thumb. I take a few deep breaths to cool my sobs, trying to stop. A pain starts in my chest, but I ignore it. I need to be okay. I need to accept condolences and flowers and present myself like I'm not just a crumbling teenager.

He kisses my temple and rubs my back. "We need to go, Baby Doll," he says.

I nod and look up at him, then I start trying to stand up. I stumble again due to my lack of balance. I plop back into Andy's lap, and I just start laughing. Andy chuckles too, rubbing my back. We laugh for a moment, for no real reason, we just do.

Andy pulls me closer again. "See? You can do this," he says.

"I don't think I can," I say, sighing.

"Niki, you're the strongest girl I've ever known," he says. "I know you can."

I sigh and rest my temple against his shoulder, trying to take comfort and gain strength from his words.. "I'll try at least."

Andy scratches at the crook of my neck. "C'mon, baby. Let's go."

I nod again, and with his help I stand up. We make our way out to his car. At least this morning isn't rainy, like something from a movie. The sun's shining brightly and there's a slight chill outside, so together they make perfect weather for early September. At least it isn't a cliche like my life tends to be.

The entire ride there, Andy's hand is laced with mine. His concern is almost palpable. His thumb occasionally rubs along mine, trying to comfort me, but it's not really working. The fact that he is concerned and not asking me if I'm okay every five seconds is nice, though, and I do take comfort in his faith in me.

When we pull up, I see Tim and Sandra standing at the door. The church looks so happy, as if we're just going to a ceremony on Sunday. The religion has never held itself highly in my mind. I never paid much attention to it. My mom put me into a Christian school in second grade, where I met Adam in the first place, and, although they try to shove the idea of Christianity into my young, sponge-like brain, I always thought we were playing pretend. They'd show cartoons to the younger kids to appeal to them but it never worked for me. It just never seemed like an escape or something to give me a sense of peace-of-mind.