The Memory Playlist

Come As You Are

Andy.

Niki and I stay inside for our last night before I leave for tour. We make spaghetti together and watch movies. I hold her close to me the entire time because I now our time together is short and fleeting. It hurts me but I'm so excited to meet the fans again.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. I get up to answer it, and it's only a guy offering a security system. We already have one so I decline. When I turn back, Niki is standing in front of the stairs, stretching out her shoulders. I step towards her and pull her into me. I sigh as I breathe in Niki's perfume from her shoulder. "Baby Doll," I whisper. I want her to say something.

"Have I ever told you how much I love this?" she murmurs. "You have the perfect length arms, and you're always warm, and you always scratch my back when you hold me. It's like the ultimate hug."

Although her words are tinged with humor, her remembering every detail of our embraces is heart breaking. I breathe in her scent again. I'm going to be without this feeling for so long. Her words and her body and her familiarity. I won't need to remember this in the beginning, but I pay extra attention so I can a month in.

"I love you," I whisper into her hair. I pull away enough so she can see me.

"I love you too," she says, leaning into my lips. I kiss her once, twice, then hug her again. She steps away, though, and grabs my hands. She starts walking backwards and pulling me with her and up the stairs.

I pull her back at the third step and kiss her in the motion. "Baby, you can't even walk up the stairs forward without tripping," I say. "What makes you think you can do it backwards?"

"I trust you," she says, smiling.

I smile back at her and kiss her before pulling her up and throwing her over my shoulder. She squeals and beats on my back until I get upstairs. I throw her down on the bed when I get there, and she just sprawls out. "That was mean," she says.

"I know. I'm such an evil person," I say, crawling over her. I kiss her again, and she expects this to be rough and playful but I don't want it that way. I want to take all the time in the world to make love to her because I won't be able to for so long. It isn't that long, but it feels like it'll be an eternity.

"Stop making this feel so much like a goodbye," she says. Her eyes are sad but loving.

"It is a goodbye, though," I murmur. I sit up so I can talk to her. "Niki, you're probably one of the most supportive women of my choice of career I've ever met. And you're like that with everyone. You never judge people on how they look or by the way they speak or their goals. And that's, off point..." I clear my throat and straighten out my thoughts as she sits up to look at me. "My point is," I continue, "that being away from you is going to be difficult. And this last year has been amazing because I've spent nearly every day of it with you." I grab her hand. "And I wish I could offer you more. I wish I could take you to every show and have you with me every night to celebrate with me. But I can't. And you accept that and let me go anyway without a word of complaint. That means more to me than I can ever tell you."

She gives me one of those soft smiles. "Andy, going on tour and singing to people who need you and making music is your dream, and it has been since before I was ever around," she says. "I mean, I look at you onstage and see this little kid who's stoked like it's his first show. And of course I want to be there for that, but I know I can't. And that's not all your fault." She rubs my knuckles. "I still have my career in music too. And although these months away from each other are going to absolutely suck, I know that it'll be worth it when you come home again."

I lean in and press my lips to hers. There's nothing chaste about this kiss as our lips move, my arms pulling her closer to me. "Niki, I'm so in love with you," I tell her.