The Memory Playlist

Soliloquy

Niki Sikk.

"We should do a Sisters of Mercy cover," Marissa says from the couch. "Or maybe the Smiths. Or Nirvana? I mean we all like Nirvana." She stretches out, her height warranting her. Her hair is tied up behind her, otherwise she'd surely be messing with it. Her baby blue eyes look at us from behind smoky eyelids.

"Something like 'Come As You Are,' " April suggests. She's whimsically hanging off of the edge of the couch, her legs on the back and her back on the seat, her red hair flowing out behind her.

"Or something good like 'Tourette's,' " Ana jokes. She flips her short black hair back over onto one side and picks at a thread in her jeans, accidentally making a hole in it a little bigger.

"Or 'Dumb,' " I say.

"Dude! Yes! Let's do a cover of 'Dumb!' " Marissa shouts.

I laugh as I sit up from my position on the huge old chair in the garage. "No, 'Dumb' is too slow. If we're gonna' do Nirvana, we should do something faster." I look at Ana. "Like 'Tourette's.' "

"When did we become a punk band?" Riot asks, coming in from the house. "I mean, Nirvana isn't a punk band but that's certainly a punk song." My unbiological brother decided to be more feminine today and lined his eyes with cat eyeliner, similar to my signature one. His biological female features are highlighted this way but he's still just as great as always. He considers himself a genderfluid male, so on occasion he'll dress up like this and be a girl for a day or two. His short, choppy hair is messy as he runs his hand through it.

"In Utero is the best Nirvana record ever," I say, "so we should do something off of it. Ana suggested 'Tourette's,' and Marissa suggested Nirvana."

"Speaking of songs that aren't ours," he jokes, sitting on the ground beside my chair, "how many people are going to our show next Wednesday because of the song you posted?"

"That you still haven't played for me," April whines.

I grab my mom's old laptop from the crate next to me. "I'll check. I posted that song over a year ago. I don't get why it's so popular now."

"Because talent demands to be realized," Riot says dramatically, making me laugh. Upon checking, I see that "Soliloquy", the song I wrote, has gotten us a hundred more people to show up. "Right now, it says we have almost four hundred tickets sold."

"That's so cool!" Ana shout.

"Can you play the song for me?" April asks.

I look at Riot, who is already scooting to grab his acoustic guitar from the stand. He rests back against the chair and I sit back as he starts strumming. I was sitting sideways across the chair before, so I lean my head back as I start singing. April, being our newest edition wants to hear all of the songs we've worked on.

This song does mean a lot to me. I wrote it a few months after Adam, my fiance, came back from his first deployment. I love him more than anything, but one day when I was sixteen I came to my senses, so to speak. I realized I don't need to be so upset with myself. It came from my anxiety and depression that I became self-aware and independent. When he came back, he didn't fit back into the life I'm living but I'm still trying to make room for him. Especially now that he's leaving, again, tomorrow.

"Oh Lord...

I've tried to cut away

All the cancer...

That lives within my

Skin and bones..."

I can't help but make gestures with my hands. I've always done it when I've sang. I reach up and shake my hand and make fists and it's normal to everyone by now.