PURITY

𝘿𝙚𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙝

(Shawn's point of view)

I smile as I walk down into the basement for the third time today. My mind is dark and it wanders to a familiar place, a place that most people would be scared of. My hands are shaking as I hold onto the sink and blink my eyes. The twisted grin on my face only grows as I look at myself in the mirror.
My face looks distorted but I don't mind.

"Shawn," I hear a voice say.

I wince as my head starts to throb.

"No," I murmur as I shake my head to get the voice out.

Being in this state of mind can quickly become dangerous if I don't focus on something else. I walk over to my drawer and pull it open. The contents spill out of it as the drawer tilts out of its slot.

"Shawn!" Several voices scream at once.

"No," I growl as I clutch my head in my hands.

It's throbbing and the room now appears to be swirling. I know that I have to find something to concentrate on or else things will get even darker.

"Shawn!! Grab the knives!" A couple voices say.

I shake my head and beat it with my fists.

"Stop talking to me," I growl out as I lean over a chair and shake my head ferociously.

Maybe I shouldn't have kidnapped Joey after all. The longer he's here the darker my mind becomes.
It's a similar mindset to the one that transforms me before a show except it's not as easy to get out of.
It's chaotic and controlling.

"Shawn! You bastard! You know what you need to do," The voices whisper to me as I pull my hair a little harder than I meant to.

My eyes travel over to the drawer and they land on something shiny. I shake my head again as the voices scream at me. I know what they want me to do but I deny them the satisfaction.
I hear footstep coming from upstairs but they sound faint compared to the roaring in my head.

"Hey Shawn!" I hear someone call.

I can't tell if it's one of the guys or the voices. Suddenly everyone is screaming all at once.

"Shut up! Shut up!" I scream as I stand up quickly.

The door to the basement opens and I glare up at whoever opened it.

"Hey Shaw-, woah buddy," I hear Corey's voice say as he looks down at me.

"Corey," I rasp out as the voices ring in my ears, "you should go."

"Shawn, did you take your medication?" Corey asks.

There's a bottle of pills upstairs that help keep these voices quiet. I can't remember if I took them today or not.

"Corey leave!" I yell as I stand up quickly.

Corey's eyes get wide and he nods. I hear the door shut after him and his footsteps pound throughout the house. He's probably going to grab my medicine but at this point I don't think it will work.
My eyes travel over to the drawer again and I smile as I realize Joey is still upstairs in the bath.

"You know why you brought him here. Go through with it! Stop holding back," the voices say.

I nod silently to myself. My fists are clenched at my sides and my knuckles are white as I resist my urges. The voices only get louder the longer I fight them.
My head pounds rapidly as they scream at me.

"Pick up the knife! Pick it up! Pick it up!" The chant as I sit on the floor and rock gently.

"Shawn! Pick it up!!!" They scream.

"Alright!!!" I explode.

I look down and the knife is already in my hands. It's a butcher's knife and it shines under the dim glow of the basement light bulb.

"Happy!?" I yell as I clutch the knife.

I continue to rock back and forth as I drag the knife across the floor.

"No, no, no, no, no," I whisper as I hold the knife close to me.

I was too busy worrying about Joey that I forgot to take my medication. I'm worried about what I might do when I go up there with the rest of the guys.

"Joey! Get Joey," the voices tell me.

I shake my head quickly and tears prick my eyes as I swing the knife in my hands.
I try and silence them but they're not listening anymore.

"You don't control me!" I tell them as I get on my hands and knees and shake my head.

I'm dizzy from the voices and the constant motion but I don't know what else to do.

"Hey Shawn, I brought your meds," I hear Mick say as he opens the basement door.

I feel them completely take over and I panic.
I chuckle darkly to myself. It was smart of Corey to send Mick down here considering his size.
I continue laughing as I look up at him.

"The pills aren't going to work," I giggle as I hold the knife close in my hands.

"It's too late for that," I grin to myself.

I know I've entered the dangerous part of this mental state and I'm scared of what I might do.

"I'm gonna hurt him," I smile.

I feel like I'm outside of my body. I'm saying these things but I don't mean them. The voices have completely pushed me aside and taken the wheel.

"Shawn, I understand you're not in a good place right now but I need you to drop that knife," Mick tells me as he takes one step down the stairs.

My laughing continues as I look up at him with wild eyes.

"He's in for a world of hurt, oh, I can't wait," I grin as I stand up.

"Shawn sit down!" Mick yells as I hold the knife even tighter in my grip.

"No," I tell him.

What am I saying? I don't even know what I'm doing at this point. I'm merely watching as the voices take control. I try to push them aside but they hiss at me.

"Shawn I'm warning you," Mick says cautiously as I step closer.

"Is Joey in the bath still?" I hum, completely ignoring his threat.

"Shawn. You promised not to kill him," Mick says firmly as he stares down at me.

"Oh I'm not going to kill him. I'm just going to show him what pain really is," I smile as I step even closer.

Mick crosses his arms and braces himself between the walls as I charge up at him, the butchers knife still in my hands.

"Shawn," Mick growls as I try to push him out of the way.

"Move!" I yell.

"No!" Mick says as he pushes me back.

"Mick please, I don't want to fight you," I say as Mick stands firmly between me and the door.

"Shawn listen closely. You're going to put that knife down, then you're going to take a deep breath and take these pills. I know this isn't really you talking but if you keep charging at me like this I'm going to clock you over the head," Mick warns. His voice is calm but there's an aggression to it that tickles my ears.

I smile up at him as I put my hands up in mock surrender.

"Okay, okay, you're the boss," My body says.

I know that the voices are lying to him but no matter what I do I can't take control of my own body.
Mick watches as I sit down and stare over at him. He takes the opportunity to walk into the room and set the pills down next to me. As soon as he does I stand up and dash up the stairs.

"Shawn!" Mick yells at me as my legs carry me up the stairs and out of the basement.

"Joey, Joey, Joey," the voices chant and I wince as I try to fight them.

The knife is still in my hands as I run through the house like a mad man.