Zameer: No Man's Land

17.

The entire mission ended right here since I found her. Lay dead, that's another point. Why the whole balance of emotions in me was deteriorated when since the beginning it was in my mind that she must be dead as well, we don't know that, I had no idea.

Speaking honestly, I wasn't broke as you break when someone in your family dies, no I wasn't broke like that but what was going in my mind as the very first concerns were, now I wouldn't be able to know how she lived her life. Did she love Baaji the same way he loved her all these years? Did she even remember his son? If she did live like Baaji all these years, then she deserved to know all the love baaji bestowed upon her across the border. If she did regret her elopement that day leaving her son behind, then she deserved to know that her son wouldn't remember or even know her had it not been Maaji treating him indifferently. If she didn't have a daughter than she deserved to know that her grand-daughter was named Aiza, the name she wanted to address her daughter with. If she did devote herself to herself and her allah, then she deserved to be asked about what she recieved from it. If she actually sacrificed and devoted her life, then she deserved to receive all the love impending for her since all these years miles and miles away from her.

I couldn't ask any of this, I couldn't give her his diary, couldn't show her how beautifully he wrote Allah's name which she taught him. I couldn't show her, her own written letter and the name she wrote for him which he kept safe all these years.

There was no connection between me and Momina Ali, she was my grand mother I never saw and never knew until few months back, how was I supposed to feel the dread of a person's death? Death is another most common thing like love and life in the earth. These are only effectable if happening with you.
What I actually was shattered about was that my believe in love and it's worth was lost. I stepped up to be the bridge in between and give them their share of pain and happiness and affection and attachment and loyalty and dedication brimming and maintained between the two poor souls since all these years but I couldn't. I failed. Both of them died with unrequited quest. Or perhaps, I was the one unrequited and they died satisfied. But what is satisfaction? Doing your part? That's it? How can a person do that?

We were standing in front of the small studio, where son of Sadaf Bano led us to. He started unlocking it when I turned to zaid and asked him the name of the studio since it was written in urdu. He read, frowned, re-read and then sceptically turned to me  and said "Khattat Kishor? I think it's Kishor only, I don't know..."

My eyes glassened and burst out. She did, live through his name.
Before I could dwell in the moment, the gate was opened. We ushered inside, it was a small studio where there were many canvases covered with clothe sheets. Most of them hung on the wall and the rest of them standing on the floor. All of them were covered with sheets and dust. I slowly took the sheet off from one of the canvas, it was beautifully painted calligraphy done in urdu. It was non-understanding but so much beautiful. I saw in the corner and my eyes widened as I found "किशोर" written there equally beautiful to the Khattati done above. She was painting on his name and writing it in hindi. I was getting overwhelmed eventually since all those questions unasked in my mind were now getting answered.

I was engrossed in my Baaji's name only when another gate was opened and we went there. There was a small courtyard and after that, I could see a small room and a kitchen upfront but my eyes fell back in the courtyard.

"Khala chahti thi ki hum unhe unke hi aangan me dafan karen, unke studio ke sabse kareeb. Or mai unka ye ghar rakh lun or ise kabhi na bechun na kisi ko rehne dun. Bas jo jaisa hai waise hi chhod dun. Bhot paak aurat thin, madarse me padhati rahin sari umr, nikaah tak nhi kiya magar akele insan kab tak jee Sakta hai, allah ne aakhir bula hi liya apne pas. Mujhse kehtin....Sher khan...tum kabhi is ghar ko is studio ko aur meri khattation ko bikne na dena, ye meri zindagi hain inki keemat na lagana..."