Dalliance

I Know What I Want

Harry and Louis – ages 19 and 20 (part 2)

Harry closes his eyes and rubs at them until he sees stars as Louis gets up off the bed and goes into the bathroom attached to Harry's room.

"Fucking hell," Harry mumbles to himself.

He reaches to the floor next to his bed and pulls on the first jumper he can grab. Harry knows he shouldn't have done what he did. He shouldn't have invited Louis over for dinner, he shouldn't have kissed him, and he definitely should have stopped things before they went too far. But it's Louis.

"H?" Louis pops his head out of the bathroom door.

"Hm?" Harry pulls himself from his thoughts and looks up at Louis. His face flushed and hair sticking every which way. This is his boy. The one he's loved through everything. The one he let go of because he couldn't take it. Louis would have stuck through it with him if it were the other way around, he would have clung to him like ivy. But Harry didn't, he left.

"I- um – I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and if you want me to leave now, I'll go," Louis chews on his lip nervously as he leans on the doorframe.

Harry thinks he looks just like he did when they met in his joggers that fall on his hips and his face so pretty just as it's always been. He looks like he just got out of footie practice, and he looks like he could clear the cloudy skies if he only asked. He's sunshine and warmth and everything good. Bad decisions, shitty fights, stolen moments, and all. Harry wants it all back.

"I don't want you to go," he lifts the covers and scoots over slightly to make a little room for Louis who gives him a questioning look before cuddling in carefully.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to do any of this. I know I overstepped today," Louis admits. It's easier to speak to each other this way, not having to look at each other. Louis' body tucked into the curve of Harry's.

"I want to be with you, Lou. I don't care what I have to do or what I have to be, I just want to be with you," Harry nuzzles his face into Louis' neck. He smells like honey and lavender, it's intoxicating.

"You don't have to be or do anything to be with me," Harry feels Louis' heartbeat quicken under his hand. "I have some things I need to do though. I have some things I need to fix,"

"I'm not going to make you end it. I know it's hard for you and things are touchy with your family. I can be your secret," Harry says, he means it.

"No, I don't want—"

"I'm older now, I get it. I get how it has to be. I was selfish before," Harry presses a kiss to the nape of Louis' neck.

"No. Harry, you weren't. I wanted too much, and I was unfair. I had to grow up and realize what I lost," Louis turns to face Harry. "I fucked up. You were right, I did catch feelings for Elle. They were short-lived and none of it ever felt quite real, but the feelings were there when they shouldn't have been,"

Harry's heart drops. "I was right?"

Louis nods and looks away from Harry. "I felt so guilty. I felt like I was cheating on you, but when I felt things for her, I would try not to kiss her or... or do other things because I've never stopped being in love with you,"

"Louis," Harry starts, but he can't think of what to say. No words form on his lips.

"It's shit, I know. I've talked to Lottie about it loads and I—"

"Why are you still with her?" Harry asks. He's not mad, he isn't frustrated. But he is hurt.

"I don't know," Louis admits. "Comfort? Cowardice? Because I'm pathetic?"