All Strings Attached

1.

 I love you. I still do. Sadly, you've moved on. That's okay. I understand.

I made a mistake. One too many mistakes, which I wish never happened. But you never want to hear from me again.... which is also very understandable.

You know, I blame myself for letting you go. And it hurts. This feeling hurts.

Granted, you never fought for me. But I didn't either. Our fights were too strung out over small things. And they shouldn't have even happened in the first place.

I worry about you a lot. You know I always have, right? I wonder if you're doing fine right now. I wonder if your "I'm fine" actually means you're fine or do you need a shoulder to cry on tonight? I wonder if there's anything I can say or do to make you feel better. To make you feel like the amazing human being you are. I just... I wish I knew.

I still wake up every morning and check if you've texted me. Like I did earlier. It's never changed. The only change is that I don't wake up to your texts anymore. The only change is that I'll never wake up to your text anymore. And even if I do, it'll never be the same anymore.

I still wonder if you stayed up all night instead of putting your worries to rest and getting some sleep. I still wonder if you were able to sleep. I still wonder if you had someone to talk to in case you couldn't sleep. I still wonder if you think of me...

I know you probably don't. And I know I deserve it. I know I deserve your hate, yet you don't give it to me. But why don't you? I deserve it, don't I?

I wonder if you've worked yourself to death and are starving for someone's love and affection. The same love and affection that I couldn't give to you.

I wonder if you've really moved on. I wonder if it was easy for you. Because it hasn't been easy for me yet. But it's only been a couple of days (Two to be precise) since we broke up so it's obvious I can't move on just yet. And so can't you. I hope what I think is true.

I guess I should stop listening to all those songs that remind me of you and break my heart into a million pieces. But how can I? How can I forget you? No, not at all. I can't forget you even if I try to, can I?

I guess I should stop listening to "Amnesia" and "Is it just me?" on repeat. But... I'm really not fine at all. Not yet. I don't think I ever will be, isn't it?

I still wake up and almost end up texting you. I still type "Good Morning" and even a "Good Night" at nights. But just never end up sending it. I want to send it to you so bad. I want to talk to you so bad. I really do. But I just can't.

I've read our texts from that day at least a million times, overthought everything I could find. Thought of everything I could've said but didn't. I wish I did. Maybe it wouldn't have been like this.

I cuss myself every time I think about the mistakes I made. I cuss myself every time I think about the ways I hurt you. I cuss myself every time I remember how I didn't love you enough. I cuss myself every time... for everything you thought was wrong. I cuss myself because I had changed. I had changed from being exactly your type to someone you couldn't even properly talk to. I cuss myself every time I let my ego come between us. I cuss myself for everything. Everything I did...

I let you slip away. I let you walk away. I had tears in my eyes and had so many words I wanted to say. And yet I let you walk away without saying a single word.

I wanted to say so many things. Like... "I love you" or "Please don't walk away" or "I can't be friends with you if I love you so much" or "Do you still remember that I love you?" and I don't know what not. I wish I had said something.

I really do.

Did you forget that I love you?

I hope not. I hope not because those feelings are still there and it's bugging me. And it's screaming at me for letting you go. And it's reminding me of what I've lost.

I really loved you.

I still do.

Maybe I never showed it enough. But I really do.

I tried to act like the victim when I was really the murderer and I should be doing time in my own mental prison instead of writing this letter that I know I will never even send. Instead of writing this letter that you might not even read if it gets sent. Because why would you?

Why would you read something from the girl who said she would change in a better way and ended up making it worse for you? The girl who ended up ruining you completely. The girl who ruined herself completely too. The girl who did things she shouldn't have. The girl who didn't realize what she was doing.

The very girl who you treated like your little princess. The very girl who pushed you away. The very girl who's been crying for hours on end. The very girl who thinks there's no end to this pain.

I hope you're doing well. I hope every dream of yours comes true. I hope you are happier now. I hope you get the peace you desired. I hope you get everything you want. I hope you get everything I couldn't give to you. I hope you find someone good enough.

I really do.

I think I still need you, so prove me wrong if I don't.

I've turned back to those practices you got me to stop. Not that you'd care. I've hurt you enough. I don't think you should care.

Still... deep down I hope you do.

I'm still here for you... if you need me. I'm still here if you need to confide in me. I'm still here if you need someone to listen to your rants. I'm still here to remind you that you deserve all the love in the world. I'm still here to remind you that you're not worthless. I'm still here to say I love you. And I mean it. You know that, right?

I just wish you would still be there for me to remind me all this too. I wish you would tell me I didn't mess up. But I know I did so don't bother.

So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

For it all.

With love,
The girl who broke you down 

A//n : Hey! This is the first letter. Too many emotions, too many thoughts, too many tears all put together in this one letter. 

Did you relate? 

Honest thoughts please !