Untold Feelings | chaesoo

4: Final

Thode words that her Father said that I can't take off in my mind. It's been like five days ago but my mind keep on repeating those words. I mean praying is not bad but why would they need our prayers that much? I admit that I am always putting Rosé in my words when I am emphasizing angels, but I don't really get what her dad meant.

I shouldn't be sad about that. Praying is something that Rosé loves the most.

I should pray for my love towards her too, It's been so long since I realized this and yet I am not making a move. This is frustrating me inside that I can even peal an onion using my eyes without crying.

Time had been running so fast, pretty much better but still sad in an unknown reason. I don't really know.

It's been like two weeks since Rosie and I talked? I missed her already. It's been two weeks to since she didn't attended school. I was so sad that I can't even pay a visit cause whenever I am looking for her and trying to puzzle some traces I would just found nothing but her Dad's words in my mind.

To tell you, she's my first love.

They said First love never dies right? So I guess even when she found someone that would treat her better than me and same as me I won't forget her right?

She'd been on my side when I felt so down, when I felt so weak. When my knees got jelly all of a sudden because of too much exhaustion that I am crying over that one Math Problem that I can't solve.

I reached out for Lisa who's Rosé's bestfriend but she never told me anything. She's clueless either, I've been trying my best to keep on contact with Rosé but all her social media platforms were offline. Even her twitter account.

She used to be a spazzer of that one girl group from south korea. And she's really popular, a lot of people had been messaging her on that app but I am the only one who's having the chance to replied on. I'm lucky.

-

This time, it's currently 11:56 in the evening. I am waiting the clock to turn 12:00 exactly sharp. I wanna be the first one to greet her my sweet happy birthday, cause I know she'll open her account again. She told me that she's always excited when her birthday is coming especially when it's midnight that her family always bringing up a pink cake in her room while singing a happy birthday. Sweet and Cute family bonding. That's their tradition.

And this year, even though I can't surprise her with a cake in my hands— atleast I am the first one who dedicated my love for her on her birthday.

I know that I am not strong enough to tell her how I feel towards her, but I am pretty sure that I can soon. And if ever that she won't accept it, we can stay as friends.

This is it, I was really counting every seconds running through my clock until it turned..

12:00!!!!

I immediately opened my phone and then next was my Instagram. I tapped her name on flat in my screen then began to type.

"Happy birthday Rosie Posie or should I say my prettiest bestfriend!"

I sent it, but deep down in my heart. I badly want to say "my first love". I typed again, and this time for Instagram Post with our pictures together.

"Happy birthday to you~. This day is the day that you've been waiting to come, and I am here to celebrate it with you Rosie! I am so so so happy that we got this close, you're so precious than I thought. Always remember that I am always here whenever you need me, I'm here when you're having your joyful laugh and your fake smiles. I love you Rosie! Cheers for another Roses Days!♥️"

Then posted..

I scrolled to my social media account too and some of Rosé's friend greeted her too. I know this time is just not the right time to interrupt Rosé with her family so I just decided to sleep and greet her later when I wake up.

-

I

woke up with a heavy feelings inside my chest. The sun was all shone up to the far high sky and the clouds were scattered through the blue painted sky. I looked at the clock and it's now ten. I really woke up late and I didn't make it on school just because of Rosé's birthday.

I opened my phone expecting for Rosé's reply but I got nothing. She didn't replied nor leave even a reaction and likes on the birthday greetings that she received.

And my day just continued.

It's now evening and the moon replaced the Sun. I remembered who my Moon is, it's her. Maybe Rosé was on home now?

I run as fast as I can and hailed a cab to accompany me to their house. Excitement and nervousness is killing me. I don't know why, maybe I am just excited that she'll celebrate her birthday with me for the first time?

I can see some people on their house, and it's all lights up. I payed the cab driver then slowly walked towards their open gate.

As I keep on walking, I don't know what to feel but to feel so hurt.

The visitors were wearing white and black shirts, there's a tarpaulin with her picture on it. Saying...

"Fly high our Rosie"

I should be happy that I'll see her again right? But how can I be happy if I am seeing her infront of me sleeping inside her glasses fixed coffin. Her face is pretty as the same, smell of her flowers lingered my nose.

I felt some tears slowly scaped from my eyes. I can't bear to see her like this. We promised, we promised to stay in each other's side. But maybe we're not really meant for each other, we met in a wrong timing.

That's what happened last February 11, 2020. Exactly her birthday, she passed away. The same day that I received her letter.

"Hey Jisoo. I know that my time is getting close I just want to tell you thank you. For being my water, ofcourse I am the Roseㅋㅋㅋ. I was told that I am suffering from cancer and I might just spend my life in a more few days. I am sorry for not telling tou this at my own and instead I used a letter. I told to Dad that don't tell you either cause I don't want you to worry about me. I love you Jisoo. I love you so much, please accept it more than a friend had. I love you romantically. Let's meet in our next existence. Goodbye Jisoo"

Love, Rosie.

— Year 2021, another year for her. I am alone in my own room looking at the dark sky. I am crying again. Please stop crying I can't do this anymore.

"Rosie you're my light right? My moon and my love. You're my first love, I didn't had to chance to tell you what my true feelings is and that's what I regret the most.

You're my Roses in a dark circumstances,

You're my first love.

Maybe in another life, we're destined for each other. Would it be fine if you're mine?

And that time, I will surely won't make the same mistake anymore. Which is to keep this untold.

How my heart broke in a secret way.

I love you Rosé, fly high and you will forever be my First Love.

And this is my Untold Feelings.

More on a heartbreak..