In Case You Didn't Know

Now

It's been 5 years since we met. Sometimes I look at you Jared and wonder how I could have avoided falling in love with you. I still crave your smile, your infectious laugh, and mostly your touch. No matter how brief.

I pushed you to date for years even though you never went for it. I thought surely if you were with someone else, I could move on and be happy for you. And then you met Sarah. But little did I know, this seemingly innocent girl would become someone I loathed.

It's not that Sarah was a bad person. She was sweet, funny, sarcastic, and gave you as much hell as you gave her, Jared. But she left. She moved states away 2 weeks after you guys got together. Jared, you became a different person. You shut me out and became depressed. You withdrew from our friends as you were always in a bad sour mood.

You loved her. I knew it and the person you loved had left you. Your heart was broken and I was powerless to help. Your long distance relationship with her became something you rarely spoke of. You clammed up if Sarah got brought up. You would get this far away look in your eye, like you wanted to be somewhere else.

It's been months since she left. You still avoid her name, like it's taboo. Tonight you said something that brought a light back to your eyes. You said "I'm about to be back in the single life."  You had that little grin. You had been messaging me for hours before we hung out, which hasn't happened in months.

But tonight I saw the man I fell in love with again. You had that shine in your eye and that happiness in your laugh. I missed you and then there was your name on my phone as if you knew. You're house sitting an hour away from your house so I didn't expect to get to see you all week. But I was just curious so I asked when I'd get to see you again and next thing I know you're insisting we hang out.

We have always been complicated. Deep down, when our eyes lock, there's feelings there. I betrayed you when I married Charles. I broke your trust. I almost broke our bond. You pulled away for a while but eventually we were back. You were my biggest supporter when I had my breakdown. You would drag me out to movies, amusement parks, and rodeos when Charles was too busy working. You stood by my side even when I lashed out at you and everyone else. At least for a little while.

Then you left me. I became too much for you to handle and truly I wasn't your problem because I didn't marry you. But you were my best friend and I was heart broken when you left. I cried and grieved and begged God. I relented that you didn't want anything to do with my crazy, unstable ass. But I would still message you every week or so just to see if I would get a response.

After almost a year without you, I'd come to terms that you were gone. I had ruined my relationship with someone else. But then out of the blue, you responded to a desperate text. You immediately offered a bonfire night like old times, as if you had craved my presence as desperately as I had yours. It was immediate. We were back to subtle flirting, exchanging glances, and subliminal messages by way of song lyrics.  Back to our game of chance. How long can this game last before we cross that line? Then we can't go back. But would we even want to?