Whenever skies look gray to me and trouble begins to brew
Whenever the winter winds become too strong
I concentrate on you
Januari 2018
"Your pain matters too."
The way he had uttered that simple sentence revealed how obvious it was for him, how he never even questioned it. How he was almost surprised she felt elsewise.
Her pain mattered aswell.
She clinged to those words like a child desperately holding on to a beloved soft animal, like a puppy to a bone, as if the affirmation finally allowed her to be entitled to feel a deep sorrow over how things had become.
Over the things she'd been through that had put her where she was now.
Over the fact that she had to live with a constant and chronical pain that probably would be an unwelcomed companion for the rest of her life.
Over the fact she couldn't do anything to change that.
The hole was precipitous; she fell rapidly and headlong, with no power or real will to stop the speed.
Depression wasn't new to her, it had been a part of her life since her early teens; this however was a new level. Or maybe layer was the right word. Even if it carried a big amount of relief, to be affirmed, to get that space of grieving and allowing herself to do so, she felt totally empty, almost paralyzed. Apathetic.
Feelings had always gotten under her skin, in her stomach a drain hole, constantly imbibing the things surrounding her; big and small. She had been like that for as long as she could remember.
Coming home from school at an early age she could instantly tell, feel, just by entering the room if her dad had a good day or a bad day, of he was lighthearted or moody. Sometimes she knew it before he even had acknowledged it himself.
Getting older she always had the same feeling attending a party, anxiously knowing if she was welcomed or not in the same way she easily could tell if her friends were hiding things they didn't want her to know or be a part of.
The uncomfortness it brought left her with different coping strategies, solving the issue with being the one who always said yes, who was helpful, positive and "fun".
It was exhausting.
The combination of being a person who wears her feelings on her sleeve and a superstar of her dignity wasn't always easy. If it had been possible she would have met every single fan face to face, to make them feel seen, to say thank you. That was of course not possible and it had always left her with a feeling of not being enough, not ever.
Being back in New York over Christmas had been a blessing, being able to spend time with family, winding down. The last days of the leg had been grueling; her health was far from okey, everyone knew it even it she did her best to keep her head up and her feet on the ground. Bo and Bobby, Nat and her parents had all at several occasions been trying to convince her that nothing was more important than her wellbeing. That noone would thank her for getting worse. She knew they were right, knew they only wanted what was best for her and still there was a stubborn and childish part of her that wanted to proof them wrong. She could do this, she would make it; her fans counted on her, she couldnt let them down. She didn't want to let them down. She loved this, damn it.
