I'm hero

𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱

I thought again. I was confused. After the truth I learned tonight, it was hard for me to put my thoughts in the right places. Eda has a daughter. I have a daughter. Kiraz is our common daughter, she has my blood. Kiraz is five years old. How can she be my daughter? Eda and I broke up five years ago. There are only two options: either Eda left without knowing yet, or she left me with Kiraz. All of this, to my surprise, this message hit me like a thunderstorm during a storm. I don't know what to do now. I don't want Kiraz to continue living her life without a dad, but I'm afraid to be him myself. I never had a good example of a father in front of me, I didn't know what a real father's love meant, so now, I still don't know anything. I don't even know what dad really has to do. Kiraz is no longer small, she understands a lot. I don't want to hurt her psychologically and ruin her childhood. I'm not ready for all that. I am scared.

But I only know one thing. I want to chat with Kiraz for a little longer. I want to understand how she imagines me, what she expects. I wonder if she actually likes me or just pretends? I need at least a few answers to make up my mind. Now I just want to stay her friend.

✯

I worked at the table in the garden and she came to me. I got lost for a while because I didn't know how to react, but I decided I wouldn't change my behavior.
,,Good morning, Serkan Bolat."
,,Good morning, Kiraz."
,,Can I sit down?"
,,You shouldn't be with your mom or aunt?"
,,Mom is busy, and, ..Aunt..Aunt Eda, too. I didn't find Can. I saw you so I came. I can?"

Aunt Eda. How strange and unconscious it sounded today. Kiraz was still forced to lie.

,,Ok, sit down then. Just don't bother, I have some work to do. If you want, here, you can eat cookies, you can go ask for tea."
,,Are you drinking your own?"
,,No, but here's coffee, you can't drink."
,,Why?"
,,Because coffee is bad for children, it harms them."
,,And what if I drank?"
She was insanely curious. Just like Eda.
,,It would be bad, coffee is for adults. You said you have an allergy, if you drank coffee it would have a similar reaction to eating the wrong food for you. Understand?"
,,Ah, yes. I will not drink coffee."
,,That's right."
,,Can I use your pencil? " she didn't stop talking.
,,Why do you need it?"
,, I want to draw."
,, You can draw in your room, there will be much more comfortable. Accompany you? "
,, No, I want to stay here. "
She was stubborn. Another feature is close to Eda. They are exactly very similar.
,, Well, here it is. Sheet here. Don't take the other by yourself, okay?"
,, Okay."

It was only after receiving the activity that she immediately became calm and started drawing. I didn't see what she was drawing, she covered her sheet with her hand, but I didn't want to see it either. I tried not to look at her and do my work, but from time to time my grin turned to her.
After a few minutes, she suddenly put a sheet of paper in front of my eyes and said:
,, I'm done. It is beautiful? "
For a moment I just looked at that drawing. On it she had drawn herself with a balloon looking upwards. Next to her was probably her mother, Eda, because the girl on the sheet of paper looked very much like her, with long dark hair, bangs, a floral dress, a star on her arm. And above them Kiraz had drawn a rocket and a man sitting on it. The astronaut. It was me. She so imagined me, that loved one in heaven.
,, What you drew here? " I asked her because I wanted to hear it all from her lips, to find out if I was thinking right.
,, Here I am, my mother, and here in heaven are my day. " she pointed to the man sitting on the rocket. ,, You know, Serkan Bolat, my dad is an astronaut, he still hasn't returned to earth, I don't know him, so I don't know how to draw him but I tried. Do you think it's nice? "
She couldn't imagine me, she didn't know how to do it. Kiraz had only a small image formed of me. It didn't get any easier for me, it just got even harder because I didn't know what she expected from her father.
,, But how do you imagine your dad? Or what are you dreaming of? "
For a few seconds, Kiraz was silent and looked at the sheet without blinking. She didn't smile, she looked a little sad. Maybe I did wrong to ask her this question.
,, I don't know ... he probably loves the stars, just like me. Maybe it's better for him in space than on earth because he doesn't come back..but I'm not angry about it, mom says he works there and I understand that. I wish he would come to us sometime at least for a while. I think my dad is a very good person. Such as my mummy, aunt, uncle Engin, buba, uncle Kerem, and like you."
Like me. She considered me a good man, her father. But she didn't know that I wasn't a good person, to me very far from what she probably imagines in her mind.
,, You think I'm good? "
,, Yes, why not. You have taught me a lot in such a short time and you are not rejecting me, you are allowing me to be with you. You are good. "
I smiled. At least one person appreciated me, at least to some extent. I didn't know what to answer her, so I just gave her her drawing.
,, Take it, don't lose it, it's beautiful. "
,, Really? Did you like it? "
,, Yes, you drew very nicely. "
,, If you want, you can keep it. " she stretched her drawing towards me again. ,,It doesn't matter what is depicted here, but if you have it, you will remember me."
,,But you won't have it. You were very focused on drawing, keep it for yourself."
,, No, I'll paint another one, no problem. Take it. You will have a memory of me. "
,, No need. "
,, Need, friends must always have something from each other. "
,, But I have nothing to give you. "
,, I don't need to, I always remember you. Although .. you can leave me this pencil. " she pointed at him and looked at me again.
,, If you want, you can pick it up of course. "
,, Thank you. I think it's time for me to go, my aunt can look for me, I won't bother you."
,, You don't bother me, everything is fine, you can stay. " Somehow I didn't want her to leave.
,, No, but we'll meet again."
,, Well, ok, then at least I'll accompany you home. Come on, let's go."