Death's Journal

Death's Journal part 1

Half the names on the list had already been crossed off; only six remaining. I stare blankly at the worn-out list that I half-heartedly taped onto my journal about a few years ago. The damn thing is going to fall off and get left in the mud if I don't re-tape it right. Although I know it's going to fall off the journal, these are the only times I dared to look upon the list: the remainder of my bloodline. I look back into the lobby where the rest of my family are mourning. I'm starting to feel it now, it's becoming less crowded, and more empty.

As the evening sky rains down a flood outside the funeral parlor, I remain at the corner of the room to get some privacy for my journal. Perhaps it's a bit too thoughtless to the others, but I think it's for the best; I was not as close to my aunt as the others. But I do wonder though, if they know what's coming to them or not. If they know how cruel death is towards us. If they know about the curse that loomed over our would-be graves. I look down upon the list once more as my eyes ponder on each and every name that was crossed out, remembering how each of them died an unsettling death. I thought this charade will get numb eventually but, looking back at the family in the lobby, I can tell it just keeps getting worse every funeral.

The rain looks heavy and so are the hearts of those that aunt left. I begin flipping through the crusty pages of my journal and stop upon my aunt's chapter, for which I have already written down her journey in this mortal world. A simple carpenter with a simple lifestyle, that's really all she ever wanted in life. The only thing remotely resembling a bigger dream would be her desire to see the world, to visit the greatest of mountains and the loudest of waterfalls; but even then, she was content with just living. I guess even that wasn't enough for death to spare. I clench my fingers against the pages as I truly feel frustrated at the thought. Why does it have to be a close casket, why does it have to be a truck?

Either way, I snap back into reality and begin the reason why I picked up the journal in the first place. I linger towards the title of the empty page before me, "Final Regards".

"To my dearest Aunt Marey, it's been so long since we last spoke properly. We were never really close to one another but I can see from your deeds that I wish we were. Your untimely farewell served to be a more regrettable one. From the largest room of the house to the smallest cracks on the walls, I'm sure your presence will linger within our hearts for a while. And though I may not have experienced your impact, I have certainly experienced your ripple.

Your warm and wrinkled smile was always an image that the children look to for joy, where you'll always bring them snacks and sweets even though it is bad for them. And even though uncle always scolded you for pampering them, you always never seem to stop. Heh, especially Benjamin, always crying out for your hugs whenever you leave for town; always the clingy type. He must have been some bother to you at work I'm sure but you never cease letting him into your station. I guess spoiled kids will not be spared from your doting huh.

You also have a special connection with Emily I see. Even though you kept it to yourself for most of your life, it never once stopped Emily from coming to you and chatting up a storm. Perhaps she was your comfort in times of isolation; where the children were asleep and the winds were silent. Not to pry or anything, but I always tried to guess what you two were talking about during those times. Sometimes I even got closer and listened in on your exchanges. The two of you always seem like a good pair, which is why I understand your absence at her funeral. Maybe if I had been one of your comforts, you wouldn't have locked yourself in your station for days after her death.

Honestly, if I were to rip open the old wooden casket that sealed your body, I think I would be presented with your same gentle smile. Because now you can return to your comfort in heaven."

As my pen begins to drip dry from the constant stroke on the journal, I suddenly feel a gentle and subtle tug from the bottom back of my suit. I quickly turn my waist, thinking I was bothering someone for hogging the corner. It was Benjamin.

"Oh, what are you doing here Benjie? Shouldn't you be over to your mom?" I exclaimed as I lay my hand upon his small and fragile shoulder, one knee grounded on the floor to see his expression. "I'm hungry," he said as he tries and fails to make a pouty face. Once more I glance towards my still mourning family as I ponder; Did they not tell Benjamin what happened?.

"Benjie boy, don't you think this mood is a bit off for a snack right now?"

"Nah, I don't think snacks need the mood to taste good, Uncle. Sweets will still taste sweet hehe"

"Sigh what would Aunt say if you don't behave yourself while she's away."

"But Aunty won't be returning though..."

A moment of silence floods the air as I witness the child being so cheerful, yet so aware of the loss. "I see" is the only thing I can say as I attempt to recollect my composure and reroute my approach. With a gentle smile, I look into Benjamin; "Well then, don't you think we should remember her first? That's what aunty would have wanted from us right? I know I would heh."

"But I do remember Aunty though. She would always give me snacks whenever I wanted" he says as he looks down towards the pale white floor, feeling rejected of his treats. With him attempting even harder to gain my pity, I can't help but let out a few chuckles. I can see why aunt was so vulnerable to such a display; only a devil could reject such sorrowful eyes. But the thought of aunt bothers me, I place my hands on both of his shoulders and look at him in his ocean blue eyes.

"Benjamin, I'm not sure if you know this but. Your aunty isn't in this world anymore."

"I know. Mommy told me that already."

"I see...and yet you don't look sad, Benjie. Look, even your mom is crying right now. So, are you okay?"

"Why would I be sad?"

He looks away from my gaze and pauses for a moment; "Aunty said she had already done a lot of things in this world, so she doesn't mind exploring another one I think." he said as he looked back at me. But this time, he wears a face of mild discontent while saying "I am a bit sad now that aunty can not give me snacks, but she said you would do it so...now I'm really sad." This tricky little brat. "Heh, oh really? What else did she say?"

"She also said that you have to treat me nicely now. After she went to the other world"

"Treat you nicely huh? That's a bit convenient ain't it? Hmm, another world. Did she say anything to you though?...before she left."

A deep pause could be felt after I asked him of her parting message. "Benjie?" I uttered as I waited for a response. "She said...to keep exploring. I think," he said as he looked down onto the floor tiles. "She had explored enough, and I wanted to go with her, but she said I have to explore more. I have to keep exploring first, or else she won't give me snacks anymore when I visit her." Benjamin then looks up to me with a hopeful smile spreading across his cheeks. "She said over there, there'll be endless snacks with endless pretty mountains and rivers to visit. So, I think she's really happy right now! So I think I'm happy too."

I see, to live on type of message. I guess she never told him about the thing. As I expected of her. Benjamin was just too young to know. As I would assume, the other children probably do not know about this as well. It's for the best, this way the children can live life without doubt or care for death's grip. I'm not sure if I could tell them myself; the family won't even talk about it openly, fearing bad omen and such. So a lot of the family just played pretend, only confronting the fear once every funeral. Once every cross on the list.

Not long within my thoughts, it occurs yet another gentle tug upon my shirt once more. Benjamin clutches and sinking his tiny child-like fingers into my shirt as he holds his face downwards. A moment of silence shivered through the air when I found a few droplets of glistening tears present on the floor he's standing on.

"So...can I have my snacks now?"

At that moment, I knew. And so I stand up and detach my knee off the ground before returning my journal into my left jean pocket. That's enough alone time for today. I reach out my hands as I scan that noiseless and dimly lit hallway to spot the vending machine.

"Sure little guy, come, let's see what they have in there."