A Muffin

A Cry and a Cuddle

Sirius

I was completely alone in our apartment and it was one of those days when I just wished everything was how I wanted it to be. Where I had proper parents from birth, where remus' mum didn't have cancer..

On those days, I sat in the shower and cried. I cried until my face hurt. Until my eyes ached. Until I couldn't breathe. It was a sort of cry where my whole life was this cry. Where I poured all my energy into washing away my hurt. Where the shower couldn't hide my sobs.

The control I had from hiding my emotions made me able to pause my crying every once and a while, so I could actually do some showering. So I sat, finished my shower but waiting until I felt okay enough to stop crying.

"Hello? Sirius?" I heard a voice yell.

I couldn't speak. I was crying so hard.

"James said you are here?!"

I tried my best to force myself to calm down. I must've not heard his knocks.

"Oh? Are you showering? Sorry, uh, James said you weren't feeling that good and it would be better if you weren't alone? " he was outside the bathroom door.

I held my breath so I wouldn't make any noise.

"Are you okay? I'm willing to wait for you to be done.. Should I leave?"

he lived here too, plus i wanted him here. i  had to try to speak. "N-no!" I coughed from the amount of sobs I was holding back. I wanted him but..

"Okay.. are you crying?"

I sobbed, not being able to hold it back. "I-i" gasp "im f-ff-ffine?" I don't know why I even tried.

He mumbled something I couldn't hear. "Can you come out?"

I laughed very very shakely. "I-i-im gay."

"Oh sirius.."

I sobbed and turned off the water. I stepped over the lip of the shower and tripped, because of my tear filled eyes. The thud probably was worrying.

"Sirius?! You okay??"

"Y-yeah." I mumbled and took longer than I wanted to put on my clothes. I opened the door hesitatingly and didn't look him in the eyes, my own still spilling water.

He hugged me. "I'm here."

I hugged him back and then turned off the light in the bathroom. I took his hand and led him to my room, able to do it without seeing because, well, I lived there. I closed the door behind us and we sat on my bed.

"Is there anything I can do?"

His presence had calmed my tears to quiet sobs instead of full body collapse. "Y-you're h-here."

He sighed and I knew he was smiling softly. I wished I could stop crying long enough to see it. "And I'm glad I'm here. When you are ready we can talk about it if you want."

I just hugged him and cried for a little while. After some time I was done. It was a little awkward and I was worn out. I grabbed a random shirt off the floor and wiped my face. I laid on my bed and he laid beside me. "I don't really want to talk about it. It's just life, you know? Sometimes you just need a good cry.."

"Of course." he looked at me and we looked into each other's eyes and maybe it wasn't as awkward as i first thought. Maybe I was just uncomfortable with my feelings. I wondered how terrible I looked but didn't really care. My red tear swollen eyes looked into his beautiful clear green forest eyes. Forest eyes? Who was I? One of those muggles who writes on those websites lily teases? 

"You are one of my best friends, Sirius. If you ever feel like this again and the others are unavailable, or even if they aren't, I'm always here. We don't have to talk or anything, no expectations."

"I'm sorry.. I'm sure I'm not the funnest person to be around right now.."

"Are you joking? You've helped me through so much, it's about time I was here for you! I love being around you, always."

"Really?"

"Really, really. You are one of the most caring guys I know."

"Okay.." I just stared into those eyes for a while. He just looked back and smiled like he actually did enjoy being there. Oh. "Oh."

"Hmm?" he said

I was in love with him. "Oh.. uh.. Nothing."

***

remus

How could someone be so.. him..? Here he was, crying his eyes out, but looking like an absolute prince, not that he looked good, or cried pretty or something, but he just looked pretty to me. I loved him so much. I never could pinpoint the exact moment I realized it but maybe it was gradual or something I don't know. All I know is that I would do anything for this boy.

I fell asleep.

"Darling, I'm home! And Sirius of course! Hi!" I woke up to James' yelling. "Hello?"

I pulled myself out of his bed. Sirius squashed his eyes shut and pulled the covers over his head. "Hey james!"

He popped his head inside the room and saw the lump of Sirius and me standing just beside the bed. "Ooh, cuddling without me?"

I blushed. "No.. just sleeping in the same bed."

James raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"He- well i don't have to explain myself to you."

"Oh, no, of course, no need. Should've cuddled."

"It wasn't exactly planned.."

"Next time."

"ugh, both of you, let me sleep." Sirius said from under the covers

"Or now, you could cuddle him now. Either way i am." he pulled the covers off Sirius' face on got in on the side Sirius was on, push him to the middle. He looked up expectedly at me. "Come on then."

I hesitantly go back in. It was a lot more close just getting in. It was a queen sized bed so there was no way i could sleep without cuddling. James was big spooning Sirius. Me and Sirius looked at each other a little awkwardly. I was already close enough to almost touch his nose with mine. I played with his hair a little and he leaned a bit closer to me. I scooched closer. He laid his head on my chest and i kept on hand in his hair and the other on his shoulder. One of james' hands were on Sirius' waist and the other on top of my hand on his shoulder. We smiled at each other, Sirius between us. All three of us fell asleep.

An: i want to clarify that these are platonic cuddles, but it's just harder for Sirius and remus because of the romantic tension.