Pretending

Chapter 10

I got out of the hospital 4 days after. My mother took extreme measures to not let what happen, happen again. She took my doors off, so I couldnt have privacy. She took all razors, scissors, and sharp objects. And to be honest, she wasnt helping me get better. She was just making it worse.
"Why do you have to do this?" I asked with my arms crossed, sitting on the edge of my bed. She was in my bathroom taking all the things that I could harm myself with.
"Because it makes me feel good that your safe and not doing things to yourself." She said with a shaky breathe.
"Ya, well I thought you were trying to help me, not yourself."
She paused. To think that through. And I was right. She was only helping herself. She even said it 2 seconds ago. That she was felt trying to make herself feel better by taking my stuff away.
"Mia, this is a serious matter. You cut yourself and that puts yourself in danger. And that worries me."
I flinched at the word 'cut'. I don't know why but I didn't like it what I do but I don't like hearing it like that.
"Self-harm mom. Please don't say cut. Self-harm." I corrected her.
"Mia, I will call it what it is. And its cutting."
God, I couldnt stand it anymore.
"ALL YOUR DOING IS HELPING YOURSELF! WHAT ABOUT ME? I MEAN, THATS THE WHOLE REASON I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE NO ONE CARED ABOUT WHAT I FELT!"
I screamed trying not to have another anxiety attack. I hated those things. I was so sick and tired of being ignored. I looked at my mom. She had stopped what she was doing and look at me. With sorrow in her eyes. She looked horrible. But she was still her motherly self. I couldnt stand the silence. I have been too silent in my life and I hate that there is nothing else to say.
"Mia, I love you. Very, very much. But I have to do the right thing. To protect you."
I looked at her. Was she not getting my point? This was totally worthless and a waste of my time.
"But you know what? Your not doing a good job of protecting me because if you were, I wouldnt have ended up in the hospital in the first place"
And with that, I left the room before she could argue with me.

***

I had ended up at Camille's house. She had known all about the incident and she wanted to talk more about it.
We were in her room with cokes & popcorn. My mom told me I now had a curfew so we were finishing up.
"But seriously Mia, if there is anything wrong tell me! I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything."
"Ok thanks"
I left and got into my car and started to drive home. I didn't want to. My house wasnt the best. I actually liked going to school and friends house. My family was just so messed up. Everyone judged and now i have everyone looking over my shoulder. I stopped my car. I pulled over. I couldn't take this anymore. I laid my head on the steering wheel and started to cry. It was horrible how I didn't want to go home. Home was suppose to be comforting and nice. But it wasn't. I just want to be in my room all the time with my privacy. But I don't have that anymore. Which makes it even worse... I started to drive again. I pulled into my drive way. It was about 15 minutes before my curfew. I stayed in my car the whole time before I had to be inside. I finally got out and walked up to the door. I paused, took a deep breathe and opened the door.
"Hey honey, dinner is ready" my mom said.
"I'm not hungry" i said plainly.
And with that, I ran upstairs and closed my door.
Oh wait. There wasn't a single door for me to close.