Mike had begun his journal shortly before his 13th birthday, before I'd
even met him. The first entry explained that he'd gotten the idea to
keep a journal, because his older brother Brian kept one. As I read
through the journals, I grew to realize just how much he loved and
idolized Brian. I imagine Brian realized this too as he'd read through
the journals, and that he must've felt really great because of it. At
the same time, I expect that he must've felt awful too. Learning how
much Mike loved him, but realizing too that Mike hadn't opened up to him
about his true thoughts and feelings, must've hurt. It must have
bothered him that he'd never get to tell Mike just how he felt about him
too. Also, it must've made him wonder how things would've turned out if
Mike had been able to talk to him openly. He must've wondered if maybe
it would've made a difference and if maybe Mike wouldn't have killed
himself. I know that by the end, I was thinking these thoughts myself,
about Mike and me.
I couldn't believe how candid Mike was in his writings. He seemed to put
down all his innermost thoughts and feelings. It seemed strange because,
he had always seemed so introverted and shy - even with those of us who
knew him well! He had never expressed himself this openly.
The journal entries were a lot like diary entries. In each entry, Mike
told about the things that had happened to him since the previous entry.
As he was a hot-blooded American teenage boy, a lot of the things he
wrote about were sexual!
I particularly loved reading the early entries that described Mike's
first few wet dreams. How he'd woken up with a hardon, and had 'sticky
stuff' all over himself. He hadn't been scared, because he knew what was
happening. Both his dad and Brian had prepared him for it. Although it
felt good when he was having his wet dreams, he really didn't like the
'gooey mess' he had to deal with afterward. He also told about how he'd
been mortified at dinner one night when his mother asked him why there
were so many pajama bottoms in the laundry suddenly. His dad had
knowingly smiled and told his mother to just go about doing the laundry
and not ask so many questions, afterwhich she too had smiled knowingly.
Mike said his face was burning and all he wanted to do was crawl under
the table, especially when Brian snickered about it.
A short time afterward, Mike discovered masturbation. He wrote that
although he had often played with his hardon, nothing had ever happened.
He didn't realize at the time that he was stopping too soon. By spying
