one time | hood

that one time when everything turned to shit

I'd been wanting to propose. We'd been dating for about two years. I'd brought the ring from this jewellery store in New York while we were on tour and you were back in Sydney. We were coming home early, you didn't know that and the plan was that I was going to come home while you were at university, I'd set up this awfully cheesy thing that you would probably hate but it was going to be this huge surprise-

I don't like this memory very much, Jay.

I brought hundreds of these God awful rose petals from a florist in town and I was going to trample them all about the apartment, leading a pathway to the bed and shit, I was going to have chocolate covered strawberries, all that jazz. You would have hated it but in that way that you'd laugh and hug me and then complain about how gross and cheesy I was. That was the plan anyway.

I had it all sorted, Michael had come over to help me set everything out, though he wasn't much help, he kind of just ate chocolate and threw handfuls of rose petals at me. To say that I was excited to see you was somewhat of an understatement.

He'd left at about six, you were supposed to be home at seven, half-eight at the latest. I found myself sitting there still waiting at eight. And then nine rolled around. I'd fallen asleep by ten. Luke called a few times at eleven though I wasn't awake to answer. I was woken by pounding on the door at about twelve.

At first when I woke up I'd thought it was you, this wave of excitement kind of rolled over me. And then I realised why would you be pounding on your own apartment door. You had a key. Plus you didn't know that I was home.

It was Luke.

He was crying, Jay. God, I always hate remembering this part because I know it all turns to shit past this point.

He stood there spluttering and crying and his hands were shaking and his eyes were all red and I remember thinking to myself "what the fuck is going on?"

"It's Jay."

His words didn't quite sink in and then he met my eyes and he kind of gave me this sad look and his breathing was all uneven and that's when I realised that he was mumbling about you and my eyes widened and he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the car park.

I don't even remember shutting the apartment door but I was stumbling through the dark carpark with Luke and he was pushing me into the car and he was crying and driving at the same time and I didn't know what was happening.

We pulled up to the hospital. And everything kind of really sunk in. Ashton was there and so was Liz and Luke told me to sit down in one of the seats while we waited for the doctor to come out. At first I thought it was Michael, maybe he'd been hurt, maybe I'd heard Luke wrong. But about five minutes later he came speed walking around the corner, talking to Ash about how he'd gotten his call.

I remember him looking at me and then looking back at Luke and murmuring "have they told him anything yet?" - he seemed to be holding up the best, though I couldn't shake the sight of the tears in his eyes and the way that he bit his nails.

He was trying to be positive. He gave me a smile and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, me burying my face into his chest as we hugged for a bit. I still wasn't crying. I was still in this daze and the boys were all watching me and Liz kept on patting my shoulder and pacing back and forth in the waiting room.

"You're here for a Miss Jaydyn Cartwright?"

I looked up and all of a sudden my mouth wasn't so dry anymore.

"Jay, yes, that's me. Where is she- where the hell is she?" I demanded and this sad look crossed his face.

"I'm going to have to speak to you in private." he stated before motioning down the hall. I stood, stumbling a bit before following close behind. There was a lump in my throat, an ache in my chest, my sight had blurred a bit and I turned back to the boys who all met my gaze.

"I don't want- I'm not going in alone" I managed to mumble and I grabbed the person that was closest to me. Ashton. He gave me a weak smile and walked with me. We came to an empty hospital room and I was confused. Where the hell were you, Jay?

There had been a car accident, Jay. It was a drunk driver and you in a head on collision. You'd lost a shit load of blood. And maybe if the ambulance had gotten there a bit faster, maybe you'd have- made it, I guess.

You didn't though, Jay and in seconds it felt as if everything was caving in and it was getting hard to breathe. I was crying and I could hear Ashton sobbing next to me and the doctor left the room after saying a few kind words.

Ashton had to identify the body, I could barely walk, Jay, I know it's stupid but there was still that small ounce of hope inside of me that maybe they'd gotten something wrong. It was stupid to hope, Jay, your wallet was in the car and they'd managed to find your license. The last person that you'd called was Luke and so that's why he'd been called first.

It was you.

Even when you were bruised and pale, you were still the girl that I'd come to love and I felt the small box in my pocket and I slipped the engagement ring onto your finger before they wheeled you away.

And I was left there crying in the empty hospital room with Luke holding my hand and Ashton's arms wrapped around me and Michael, snivelling and holding onto a crying Liz and it was a mess.

That was the last time I saw you in person, Jay.