LET MY GUARD DOWN (BUCKY BARNES)

4. THE CONFRONTATION

You hated yourself for it, but you could not get Bucky Barnes off of you mind. That night, when you returned home from IKEA, you tossed and turned as you tried to block out the memories of his pale blue eyes glossy with tears. But, every time you shut your eyes, there he was. His lip quivering, his eyes blinking fast. Him not looking at you, trying to hide his emotions from you. He tried to hide so much from you, even when it was hiding from you that broke your heart. He knew it. You knew it. And yet, he continued to do it.

You found it hard to focus with him plaguing your thoughts. You didn't know what you could do. There was still so much that had been left unsaid. A part of you wondered if it would make any different if those things were said. Would it make you feel better? Or would it just break your heart more? Would pouring yourself out to Bucky Barnes just hurt you more in the long haul?

You danced around the thoughts for nearly a week. You already hurt so much, and you knew that it would hardly make a difference if you hurt some more. You were aware that you couldn't hold in your emotions, you couldn't suppress them until they were a distant memory. That was what got you into this mess. Granted, it was Bucky's suppressing his emotions and—well, you supposed it was you suppressing your emotions too. Ignoring the way your heart hurt when he would shut you out. Not addressing the way it made you ache whenever he would focus only on himself. Hiding your feelings for him until you literally couldn't anymore.

You were not about to repeat the mistakes of the past.

You had to get this off your chest.

Unfortunately, you came to this realization in the dead of night. You had been lying in bed for what felt like hours, trying to talk yourself down until you couldn't any longer. You forced yourself out of bed, deciding that it was fine to journey to his apartment at almost midnight on a Tuesday to tell him exactly how you felt. You didn't bother changing out of your pajamas, deciding that he was going to listen and take you seriously even if you were wearing an oversized t-shirt from your college and a pair of fuzzy Cookie Monster pants. You slipped your shoes on, grabbed your keys and pepper spray, and then made the trip to his apartment.

If you were being honest, you didn't remember much of the journey there. You were so lost in your thoughts that you hardly registered that you'd made it from one side of D.C. to the other. You only became aware of where you were when you heard Bucky's groggy voice, as though he'd just been woken up, when you hit the button to be buzzed into the building.

"What? Who is this?" he asked.

You could practically see him rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, his face scrunching together as he mentally chewed out whoever was disturbing him. The thought almost made you smile.

"It's Y/N. I wanna talk."

He paused for a long moment. You were almost certain he'd fallen asleep where he was standing when he finally said, "Shit. Okay, yeah. C'mon up."

You took the stairs two at a time as you made your way up to your apartment. You had to do this, but you didn't want to drag it out any further than was necessary. The sooner this was over, the sooner you could get back to your regularly scheduled programming. You could leave this part of your life in the past.

You could move on.

Bucky must've been waiting for you by the door, cause he was already opening the door before you could even raise your hand to knock. He stared at you as you stepped into his apartment, looking far more awake than he had sounded just moments ago. You figured you must've given him a real scare. He probably never expected to see and hear from you again but, here you were. Standing in the middle of his apartment at 12:17am on what was now a Wednesday.