Missed By A Mile | ✓

e1 | atlas

(tw: detailed mentions of panic attacks)

There's not a lot in the world that scares Sean.

He's been afraid of things before, don't get him wrong. He's no valiant hero, and the restricted few things that do scare him, they keep him awake at night.

Back when he lived with his parents, one of his biggest fears was disappointing them. It was kind of ridiculous, really, considering that now he can't recall a single moment when he saw any expression on their faces aside from distaste. For everything. Being desperate for their approval had cost him his happiness for most of his life, and now that he thinks about it, the dread he felt back then doesn't come anywhere close to his biggest fear today.

Talking to Atlas again.

The thought of seeing him in person makes Sean's blood curdle and his veins freeze over. He's afraid because if just catching sight of the man at the grocery store had his stomach feeling like his intestines were coiling in on themselves, he has no idea how he's supposed to breathe when Atlas actually looks back at him.

Imani's gentle hands massaging his shoulders in assurance is the only thing keeping him connected to reality, and if his brain wasn't so garbled right now and his limbs weren't shaking inside his flesh, he would have turned around and apologized to her. Because he knows for a fact that she ended her date with Kaia early so she could stay by his side.

And not just her, but everyone is home. Juni and Layla are in the kitchen, cooking and talking loudly amongst themselves, Imani is standing behind him on the couch, and Ved is sitting opposite them with his laptop and probably replying to more emails from Abyss.

He's never been more grateful for their existence before.

Which brings him to address another one of his fears. Losing LM.

But at the back of his mind, Sean knows that it's just his suppressed anxiety speaking. If there are any people in the world he knows would fight to stay by his side, it's them. Their wordless support speaks louder than his subconscious anyway.

He tries to focus on the sound of the plates clattering and the water running in the kitchen, and makes another failed attempt at bringing his breathing under control. If the pace with which it's currently going, he's going to start hyperventilating soon.

Deciding to just meet Atlas at his home was a good idea, after all.

Sean doesn't know how he would have felt being around strangers when he's feeling like this.

He can hear the panic ringing in his ears and taste it on his tongue, and the second the doorbell echoes inside the house, his eyes squeeze shut and a sound akin to a whimper leaves his lips mere milliseconds before he lowers his head into his shaking hands.

He hates me. He has to hate me. He can't not hate me.

"Breathe, Sean," Imani says to him, one hand squeezing his shoulder and the other sliding down to soothingly rub circles in the middle of his chest. "You're okay. Come on. Breathe." Just when he feels the first few traces of an anxiety attack vibrate through his bones, he blindly reaches for her hand and takes it in a bruising hold.

Imani doesn't complain though, and soon Sean distantly feels warm hands settling on his knees.

He feels cold all over.

"Hey." The voice this time is undoubtedly Ved's. "Hey. Sean." Every voice sounds like it's coming from miles away, the blaring in his ears getting louder and louder until he feels like his head is going to explode from the noise. He wants to hear his friends' voices. He's trying. He's trying to listen to them. Trying to look for the words Ved is saying to him and trying to let himself feel Imani's grounding hold on him. "...right here," Ved is saying now. "We're here for you. And we got you. Sean?"