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Part V - L.T.

⚠️TW: PANIC ATTACK⚠️

The music is too loud and the tequila isn't strong enough. I've already had six shots and still the only thing going through my brain is Harry, Harry, Harry. 

I sigh and chug another glass of vodka, trying to get to the level of drunk where I forget everything. I look around the bar for some sort of distraction. I see Liam on the dance floor, surrounded by half a dozen drunk women. I roll my eyes and turn away. Of course he's having the time of his life.

The barista (I think she said her name was Brianne Jungle Book or some shit) walks up to me and smiles. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, because she's been flirting with me all night and doesn't seem to understand that I'm not interested. I don't think I even like women. It's always just been Harry (and a few girls in high school who I thought qualified as girlfriends at the time).

"Another drink?" she asks, batting her eyelashes and twirling her hair around her finger.

I shake my head and I think that, maybe, if I was attracted to women and hadn't just broken up with the love of my life, I might find her hot. So maybe I should give her what she wants. One night to distract myself.

So I flirt back. I smirk and look her up and down before biting my lip.

"Nice dress, sweetheart."

She blushes and seems slightly surprised that I'm flirting back after ignoring her all night, but she quickly recovers and smirks back at me.

"Hmm, yeah, but I think you'd like it better off," she says, moving to sit on my lap.

When she crashes her lips against mine, I kiss her back. She's a good kisser, great even, but...she's not Harry. I force myself to stop thinking about him and deepen the kiss, pinning her against the counter.

Somehow, we end up in front of her car. She crawls into the backseat and I climb over her, straddling her waist. We both quickly undress, still kissing sloppily. It's not special or intimate, just pure physical attraction on her part, and the desperate need for a distraction on mine. I'm painfully hard and aching for release, but I don't want to hurt her. I reach down with my fingers to open her up, but she grabs my hand and pushes it away.

"Want your cock," she mutters.

"Are you sure?" I ask. I might be horny, but I'm not a douchebag.

She nods and squirms, desperate for friction. I reach into my back pocket to pull out a condom but there's none left. Shit.

"Um, I don't have condom," I mumble, embarrassed.

She shakes her head. "Doesn't matter. Need you inside me."

"Are- Are you clean?"

"Yeah, are you?" She asks impatiently.

I nod hesitantly and she smiles.

"Great, then go on."

That's probably a bad idea, but I'm drunk and horny, and I'm not thinking straight, so I agree.

* * *

It's only after we've both finished off and we're lying in the backseat of the car, sweating and panting that the reality of the situation hits me. I've just had sex. With someone other than Harry. A woman. And it was unprotected. Yes, we're both clean, and yes, the chances of her getting pregnant are slim, and yes, I could easily pay child support if she did and decided to keep the baby. But I once swore that Harry would be the first and last person I ever had sex with. And now I've betrayed him. Sure, we're not together anymore, but I love him so much, and I can't help but feel like a filthy traitor.

And then comes the panic attack. My breathing starts getting shallow and I suddenly feel trapped. I quickly get dressed and leave the car as fast as I can. I hear Briana calling my name but I ignore her and run back to the bar. Tears blur my vision and I can barely breathe, but I keep running. I need to find Liam and get out of here.

When I finally find him slow-dancing with a tall brunette, I practically shove her aside and collapse into his arms. He steadily wraps an arm around me and rubs my back, looking extremely concerned.

"Breathe, Louis, you're scaring me."

I try to take in a few gulps of air, but it feels as if my lungs are closed. I let out a choking sob and press myself into Liam's arms.

"Alright, we're going home, come on." He tightens his hold on me and quickly leads me to his car. He speeds back to the hotel, trying to get me to calm down, but failing miserably.

The second we enter Liam's room, I collapse on his bed and curl up into a ball.  I'm sobbing so hard my throat hurts, and I can't breathe. I long for Harry's touch, but, at the same time, I never want to see him again. I can hear Liam talking, but I'm not sure if he's talking to me or someone else, and, to be honest, I don't really care.

I've had panic attacks before, but never like this. They usually didn't last longer than ten minutes, and Harry was always there to make it better. I've never had this much trouble breathing before. I feel like I'm being choked hard enough to be in complete agony, but not hard enough to die. Breathing is so natural, and I've never actually thought about it. So when I try to inhale and it doesn't work, it's absolutely terrifying. Which of course, only makes the panic attack worse.

I don't know how long I lie there, but it's probably long enough to really worry Liam. He's probably called everyone by now, but I can't bring myself to calm down. Eventually, though, the lack of oxygen gets to my brain and everything goes dark.

In my dreams, I'm taken back to better times. To the days when I used to laugh so hard that my throat was raw and smile so wide that my cheeks hurt. God I wish I could feel that again...