Sweet Nothing

it all went down so fast, somehow. this was nothing like the things that used to happen between them, he had seen hansol in many ways, in many stages, he had been there through all of his changes, doubts and even when he didn't want him there. he had seen him in a lot of ways, but not like this, never like this.

it wasn't rare for chan to get a text from hansol at unholy hours, that guy never sleeps, that's what their group of friends always said. this time wasn't any different. he had gotten the text at around 1 a.m., maybe 2 a.m. he can't remember clearly but he didn't think twice before grabbing his coat and driving up to hansol's place and it was as quiet as it could be at that time so he sent another text asking hansol to let him in, and he did in no less than a second. again, it wasn't rare, it was an almost everyday thing at this point but as dino walked through the hallway into the elevator and again the hallway that led him to the door 2056 he felt something eerie in the atmosphere, the feeling you get when you walk into a dark alley going home after getting paid, or the driver takes a different route than he should with the excuse of it being a shortcut. this is no shortcut, he thought, he would later realize he was right and maybe he wishes he wasn't so. 

there isn't such thing as accidents, some people say. however, when the door opened and chan was led by hansol's hand into the bedroom and seconds after pushed back in the bed he began to wonder if hansol was going to look at him the next day and tell him that he was sorry, that it was a mistake, that it all had been an accident. that's what he usually said, would not be any news if chan would have to drive himself back to his dorm after breakfast with a mind full of self loathing and a heavy heart. he knew how it went in nights like this, hansol would kiss him while telling him how pretty he was until the heat was too much and it all escalated into something more only to let him down the next morning face right into the floor. but this time it was different, chan knew it the moment hansol stopped and looked at him, eyes full of something chan could not quite understand, shivering and attempting to speak with no words coming out of his mouth.

"hey, it's ok, it's ok" chan's voice came out anxious as he hurried to hug hansol, whose face had turned into a pained one and tears had began to stream down his cheeks.

no, this wasn't the first time chan had seen him cry, but it was the first time hansol had willingly let him. if you ask chan he would say it was some kind of advance in this weird relationship they had, seeing hansol so vulnerable, but it wasn't the fact that he was being vulnerable, it was the fact that he was allowing chan to confort him in a way that did not involve them on the bed with hansol on top of him whispering praises and sweet nothings to make them both feel less guilty, but truth be told chan did need to know what was happening, what had changed to make hansol allow this, and truth be told, he was too scarred it would ruin whatever advance he had made, so he didn't ask. he just hugged a crying hansol until his breath evened and chan could swear he had fallen asleep, but just when he began to think how to lift hansol's body to the bed and leave without being noticed, hansol spoke

"why you keep coming back?" his voice deeper than it usually was and hoarse, probably due to the crying he did "i give you nothing... hell chan, i give you less than that"

it was already quiet but without hansol's whimpers it became even quieter and chan whished he could evaporate. he didn't know, he had asked himself the same so many times but had never been able to give it an answer. he wasn't lonely, he had a considerable group of friends and he was well aware of his position, more than a few people had tried to get with him - sleep with him, so no, it wasn't loneliness what had drawn him to pick hansol over a functional sleeping schedule and peace of mind. as he tried to understand when he began feeling more than he was aware of he recalls that it was hansol in the studio at some point telling him how pretty he looked while dancing to some drake song, and so dino chose it to be the one he presented in one of his dance classes, it was hansol saying denim looked good on him and so he began wearing it more often, buying a few too many denim jackets, hansol saying he liked purple hair better, hansol painting his nails because it suit him and at this point chan can't remember the last time he had his nails unpolished. dino had always been drawn to hansol somehow, looking for his approval, his attention. maybe even before they were actual friends, maybe he had always wanted hansol to look at him and kiss him and tell him he looked pretty, maybe even tell him that he loved him. so in the darkness of the room, in the silence of the early morning, dino understood what it was.

"hope" he whispered ever so softly, almost scared to admit it.

hansol had looked at him with puffy eyes and red cheeks, his expression as confused as ever "what'd you hope for?" he had asked and it was a fair question.

chan wasn't sure if it was only one thing he had hoped for, but he came to realize he kept on answering hansol's texts and calls instead of sleeping for the same reason he had kept on doing what he knew would make hansol focus on him.

"that you'll pick me over anyone else, and you would see me as bright as i see you" chan had said without even breathing in between words, he had said the truth and he regretted it but there was no retreat, it would happen eventually and he knew everything was in vain as soon as hansol's expression changed, now a serious one, no vulnerability to be seen, no sign of considering chan's words as something good.

that morning chan wasn't at hansol's place waiting for breakfast, instead he was in his bed waiting for tears to start falling but he just kept on waiting and waiting for tears that never came because there was hope in chan's chest and hope in his mind, so instead of waiting for tears he began waiting for hansol's text that night and the night after that, eager to run into his apartment anytime he wanted. you see, hope is addictive and lingers in the back of your head even when you don't want it there, hope gives sense to the yearning, the longing and uses nostalgia to its favor, hope is like being fed poison in small quantities every day, it doesn't kills you but it doesn't let's you live.