Finders, Keepers

68

Oct. 12, 2021

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Dearest Ghaliya,

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Hi! How have you been? I hope that you found your way back to yourself again and that you're smiling, at peace, and seeing life in the most positive way.

I've been thinking about us for the past few days, and since the last time we talked, the only thing that's left in my head is the question of why we ended up this way. To be honest, I really don't know how to reach you again. I don't even know how I can express all my feelings through writing, but I am hoping that I will find the right words along the way to make you understand the way I feel. Please, stay with me until the end. Kahit dito lang, pakinggan at intindihin mo sana ako.

This is not to justify everything that I did, to back up all the things that I said, or to put you in a position where your only choice is to agree. I am not trying to change any narrative, but rather to make some things clear and perhaps right. I don't want to be unfair to you by saying words that I don't even mean, because this isn't just about me—this is about us. It's about my feelings for you that I can no longer fathom hiding.

I don't know if my strong desire to be with you was the reason you walked away, but I wanted to stop you. I wanted to hold on to you that time you decided to turn around and say that you wanted everything between us to come to an end.

I wanted to stop you right then and there, but I didn't. Perhaps, because I was thinking that I am wrong about some things, like how we might not be sharing the same feelings about each other, or that I might be the only one falling.

And as we got to know each other more each day, I realized that “like” is a very weak word to describe what I truly feel. This is be bigger than that.

Because, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I don't have any lingering feelings for you, the more I am drowning.

I am starting to love you more than I'm allowing myself to. There. Finally, I said it.

I love you, Ghaliya, and I am not trying to force you to say the same thing. I just want you to know it and to lift the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for so long.

About the kiss we shared. I don't regret any of it. It wasn't about proving I'd moved on from my past relationship (even though, I did), nor was I simply carried away by the moment. But one thing's for sure, I did it because I like you so much to see you hurt. My intention was to only shield you from the potential pain of seeing Niklaus at that time. And I'm not trying to open healed wounds, I just want to tell you that you deserve more than what he can offer. And yes, you're better off without him. I also apologize for acting out of impulse and not asking for your permission; that's not really out of my true character, but I take full accountability for it. 

I wish you nothing but happiness. Thank you for putting together some parts of me that I didn't know could be whole again.

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Sincerely,
Calian