A lot of things just don't mix well. Solitude and silence, for one. Being alone someplace quiet was one of the things I detest the most. Solitude and silence, to me, equaled to sadness, and sadness led to many other things.
She and I was also a good example of combinations that were possible but to no good.
"Oh. I'm sorry," she softly whispered as I picked up her walking stick on the floor. The hallway was dark, deserted and lonely, and only the sound of her footsteps was the sign of life in the narrow path.
We were already past the curfew, I knew, for I checked my wristwatch endlessly, and though she had heard the alarm from her cellphone indicating it was already seven o' clock in the evening, neither of us started for our rooms. Everything was perfect-we seemed to be at the right place at the right time.
She let go of her stick and sat in front of me. "Hmm... Let's see. If you're a guy, hold my left hand. If you're a girl, hold my right hand," she mused.
I obliged and clasped her left hand, entwining my fingers with hers. It felt warm and comforting, like I was putting my hands near the flame when all I knew was the cold.
She broke free from my touch and I inched away from her.
"I want to know your name. We've met each other a lot of times already and it's unfair because you can simply look up my name from the ward directory and I can't look up yours."
She continued, "I'd know you from anywhere because you smelled like the roses. I almost forgot how they looked like. I almost forgot they were red. I almost forgot the dainty house I used to live in before I got in an accident. But I caught your scent and I remembered everything, and I knew I wanted to see again."
Her tears did not stop flowing, but she still took my breath away. The strands of her dark hair just fell perfectly in place and framed her pretty face. Her eyes were soulful, darker than black. Her lips were swollen from crying, but it did not make her any less beautiful.
She was right. I learned her name because I looked though the list of wards in that green record book on the reception desk, not to mention, sheer luck because I wasn't caught wandering outside my room.
My hands found their way to her, and slowly, gently, I cupped her face and brushed away her tears. She was like an angel, and I wish she could see in the mirror what I see.
Her nose was red and she sniffed. "Your name can't be that long, right? Here's what we'll do: we'll spell your name. I'll sing the Alphabet Song. Then, just softly pinch my arm when we reach the correct letter, okay? But let's try my name first."
Even though I moved away from her, she still went near me until I felt her warm breath fan my face. She smelled like chamomile, and I wanted to kiss her right then and there.
"I'll sing the Alphabet Song and then I'll pinch your arm, okay?" she said. Her soft voice filled the hallway as she began to sing, "A, B, C, D..."
She pinched my arm.
"A..."
She pinched my arm once more.
"A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N..."
She pinched my arm harder this time.
"A..." she ended, and I felt her fingers pinch my skin for the last time. "There. See? D-A-N-A... Dana. Now it's your turn. I'll sing the song and then you pinch my arm, okay?"
I placed my hands on my lap and waited for her to start speaking but silence was all I heard from her.
Then she cleared her throat. "A... B... C... D..." she slowly sang, waiting for my signal. Dana raised one eyebrow, perhaps confused if I played along in her game or if the first letter of my name just wasn't A, B, C or D like hers.
She continued, "E... F... G... H... I... J... K..." She was getting impatient, I noticed.
"...L..."
I reached for her arm and gave her my signal.
Her face lit up. She understood that I was willing to let her know my name. Dana happily continued with our little game. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G..."
I looked at my watch. It was nine forty-five. We were way past our curfew. The nurses should be checking our rooms by now.
"...L, M, N, O..."
I pinched her arm again. She sang once more, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J..."
They must be at Ward Four right now. Dana stayed at Ward Seven and I stayed at Ward Nine. We only have a short time before they notice we're not on our beds.
"...S, T, U," her voice was a muffled sound.
Nervous, I pinched her hand harder than the usual.
"Ow!" she exclaimed. I quickly patted her arm, feeling sorry. We only had two more letters left before the game ends. I hope after she learns my name, she'll come looking for me because I know I've been looking for her ever since I saw her here.
And I'd been behind her wherever she went, guarding her, watching her, loving her...
"A, B, C, D..." Dana's voice was now shaking, but she kept on, "E, F, G, H, I..."
I gave her the signal.
Tomorrow, she'd be gone. She would go through that operation to gain back the eyesight she lost four years ago, and she would see once more how beautiful the world is. She would be somewhere warm, I hope, so that she could keep that warmth within her and she would share it to those who need it. She would be somewhere safer. Dana would never come back here.
I held her hand tightly. This might be the last time.
She would see again and she would meet someone else, someone she could see, talk and laugh with. They would have children and Dana would teach the kids nursery rhymes, including the Alphabet Song, and she would remember the guy she sang that one nursery rhyme to-me. She would laugh at how she pinched my arm for countless times just to find out my name. She would treasure and smile at the memory of the guy who smelled like her mama's rose garden.
"A, B, C, D-"
A pair of strong arms cut her off. Dana was suddenly in hysterics and everything became hazy.
She would never know that she was my biggest what-could-have-been, and even if our paths would cross again someday, she would never recognize me because I won't be smelling like the roses anymore because I would be buried deep in the earth by then.
AIDS and muteness, I figured, was another one of those painstaking combinations, especially when you love someone who's blind. I had my mother to thank for passing on the disease to me through my genes, and pure misfortune for making me mute. Tragedy had to be a constant and consistent presence in my life.
"Louie? Louis? What's your name?!" Dana shouted. She was being pulled away from me and towards Ward Seven. I, however, was ushered to Ward Nine - the isolation ward.
She wishes to see, and I wish I could speak. Most of all, I wish I could love her and be loved by her, but I guess the heart only yearns for what it does not and cannot have.
Dana's voice echoed throughout the hallway, "I'll find you!!" The nurses shushed her, but she kept struggling, kicking and trying to break free from their hold. She continued, "I promise I'll find you!!"
Promises were made to be broken...
And I'll be right where you can find me. This was my promise.
