deja vu

02.

song; a world alone by lorde
play when you see the **

rosalind green

my older sister always told me to layer when you go parties.

layer as much as possible and wear thick and tight clothes. she always told me that growing up and i never really understood why until i went to my first real high school party in sophomore year.

it was clark johnson's party, a guy who i used to have the biggest crush on. he was a junior while i was a sophomore and i guess the thought of dating an older guy seemed appealing to me. not only was he older but he was also good looking. he had brunette hair with piercing blue eyes and a very chiseled jaw. he was one of the first teenagers i knew to actually grow facial hair, not just peach fuzz.

so much for that dip shit.

guys are already fucking assholes, and that's a fact. they don't respect you unless they're attracted to you, they're immature, they think and act like pigs, and 99% of the time they're spoiled brats who think they can get anything in life.

and that's them when they're sober.

when they're drunk it's a whole different story. not only do they not respect you, but they also have no fucking self control. no matter how uninterested you act, they can't get it through their thick skulls that you aren't interested.

clark had probably had about seven shots and three and a half beers (at least from what i've heard around the school) that night before he picked me as his little toy.

of course, me being a naive little sixteen year old, i fell for it. when he approached me i genuinely believed he was interested and had been interested before that night. it was honestly probably the short skirt i was wearing and the fact that i had just recently gotten my braces off did he just then notice me. he told me i was pretty, complimented my outfit, lied about a couple of his interests and hobbies that he thought i would like, and convinced me to go upstairs with him.

i had only had about two beers that night, and it was only probably my third time drinking ever, so i guess you could say i was a bit tipsy.

everything we did in his bedroom was consensual, and i did want it. he didn't hurt me, and did ask for consent. but, i don't want to find out what would've happened if i had said no.

long story short, in case you find yourself in an unluckier situation than me, wear tight clothes and many layers.

i bring this story up because of the party happening tonight.

staring at my closet, my eyes scan through the colorful racks of clothes. tshirts, blouses, dresses, skirts, everything. although i have tons of options, it feels like i have nothing to wear.

i don't even really want to dress up that much tonight, i just want to wear something presentable. i don't want to catch anyone's eye, i just want to see what the fuss is about this party. everyone's been talking about it and as far as i know it sounds like a normal boring high school party. kids get drunk, they makeout, go upstairs, and the ones left downstairs either drunkily dance to taylor swift or smoke weed.

i let out a long sigh as a i eventually just pick out an old pastel yellow sundress that i used to be obsessed with. it's probably three years old but it's in good shape and still fits, so why not.