Music In My Heart - Dreamwastaken

Lies

Clay POV

"Hey Clay." She knocked on my door as I was putting on new clothes. I knew she was there, I heard her walk across the hall and I could feel her eyes on me before she ever spoke.

"Hey." I didn't look at her, I couldn't. I would have broken down.

"Can I talk to you?" She walked up to me, resting her hand on my shoulder. I pulled away. It was instinct at that point.

"I have a recording scheduled today." I said. I pulled my shirt on over my head and started towards my desk. I felt her small arms wrap around my chest, pushing her face into my back.

"Please." She whimpered. It hurt to hear her like that. "Please talk to me." I stood still for a minute. My heart was beating like crazy. The muscles on my back tensed. I just wanted to hold her. But I was too deep. She heard me say it and it was too much for her. I needed to give her space. Is this too much space? No.

I pulled her hands off me, harsher than I meant to, and turned to her. My heart broke seeing the tears roll down her face. I was the one that made her cry. "Wait. Don't cry."

"Did you just want to fuck?" She cried.

"What? Anja no." I grabbed her hands and pulled them away from her face to clean the tears myself. "Why would you think that?"

"You've been ignoring me since that night." She bawled out.

"No, I haven't." That's a lie.

"Yes, you have." She shot me an angry look for denying the truth.

"I've been trying to give you space. I didn't want things to move too fast."

"So you've decided to avoid me?" Yes.

"I'm trying to take this slow as you said."

"You heard me and Nick talking didn't you?" Fuck. She's too smart for her own good.

My eyes drifted to the floor subconsciously. I sat down on edge of my bed and rubbed my temples. "Yeah."

"That's why you've been ignoring me? Because you said I love you?"

"Anja. I'm sorry." I grabbed her wrists and brought her between my legs, wrapping my arms around her waist like she had done my back. I missed her. "I thought I should give you space."

"Completely leaving me isn't space."

"I'm sorry, I took it too far. I tried to give us time apart. It was just easier to not talk to you at all, I didn't intend to act like that." At first, I did try to give us space, but as time went on it got harder. At some point, space became avoiding and harsh. It hurt less that way. If I left first, she couldn't hurt me. I pulled her onto my lap so she was straddling me. I wanted to hold her more. "I didn't mean what I said it." A lie. "It was just a heat of the moment thing like Nick said." Lie. "I regret ever saying it." All Lies.

"It's ok." No, it's not.

"Why are you so understanding? I don't deserve you." She chuckled. "Can I have a kiss?" She pulled my head up from her shoulder and placed a soft kiss on my lips. I missed her touch so much. I hadn't looked at her in what seemed like forever. I could see the green in her eyes again and the small scar on her jaw. You're so beautiful. "I'm sorry."

"I was worried that you lost feelings for me. Or maybe they weren't real in the first place."

"I would never do that to you." I really meant it. She meant everything to me.

"I know."

----

I could have spent eternity with her on the beach, just looking at the waves and hearing her talk about whatever. We were talking about our favorite memories. Mine was the last talk I had with my dad. It was cancer that took him, fast but painful. We talked about life a bit in the hospital. He told his biggest secrets and tricks. He told me he would always be proud of me, even if I dropped out of school to do coding and Minecraft. That made me laugh.

Her's was about skiing with her grandfather. "So we were at the top of the mountain, Zugspitze. The tallest in Deutschland (Germany)." Her accent was starting to come through, I loved it when she did that. "And his shoe fell apart. The bottom of his ski shoe came completely off." She laughed. "He ended up getting frostbite and lost his right pinky toe. All because he did want to complain and ruin my time with him. It was my first winter with him and he wanted it to be nice for me. He always says he wants me to have a normal german life." Her smile was reminiscent.

The first raindrop fell, hitting my cheek and sliding to her shoulder. She squealed as one fell on the top of her head, ruining her storytelling. "We have to go!" She yelled, trying to grab me and pull me up. Then it poured. I could barely see it was so harder. She started to run back to the car but I just stood there, letting it hit me. It was calming, serendipity even. "What are you doing?" I think that is what she said, I couldn't hear anything but the rain and the waves behind me.

"I love you." A weight lifted off my chest.

She ran closer to me, using her hands to shield her eyes. "What did you say?" She yelled.

"I love you!" I shouted. Her face fell from a smile. "I have to say it. I have to tell you." I spread my arms out and looked to the sky, letting the water fall. "I lied."

"I don't understand."

"I told you I didn't mean when I said 'I love you', but that was a lie. I don't regret telling you, I regret taking it back. I regret not telling you sooner."

"Clay please stop."

"I have to tell you. I can't hold it in." She was now against my chest, looking straight up at me. She was upset, I could see it in her eyes. My heart was beating like crazy and my breathing was rapid. "I have been stuck in this hard place. Either I give you space and lose you which I almost did or I tell you everything like I'm doing now and lose you." The rain started to slow, I could hear myself clearly again. "I don't expect you to say it back. Not now or even ever. But I would go insane if I didn't say it right now. Right here." I cupped her face, pulling it up to me. "I love you, Anja Moore."

"Clay." Her bottom lip was trembling and she fought to speak. "I can't say it back."

"I know."

"But I want to be with you. You mean everything to me. I don't know what that means but I need you."

"That's all I need Anja." I pushed her hair back, it was soaked. We both were. "All I need is you." I kissed her, more deeply and meaningfully than ever before.