Behind The Camera

Who doesn't chop an apple with a Carving Knife?

*Phil's POV*

For the last few weeks, everything's been great with Dan. No awkward moments or anything like that - just back to the bestest of friends we always have been.

The same, however, can't be said for me. 

I'm tired of it all. The hate. The underappreciation. The joint identitiy. 

Dan is my favourite person on earth, but I'm beginning to hate him. Why's he always the favourite? The one who girls love. The one with less hate. Why am I always the one whose forgotten? The one whose only videos people watch are the ones with Dan in? The ugly one? The one who is just Dans tag-along? 

It's not fair.

Suddenly, I think of the girl I saw in London the other day. Her arms and wrists were decorated with faint red lines. Scars. 

If so many people do it, it must be benificial to forgetting pain. I look down at my disgusting pale arms. They're so plain. They need decorating. 

My heart pounding in my ears, I walk to the kitchen. I pass the living room and peek throught the crack in the door. Dan is reading through his comments, a smile on his face. It makes me sick. 

When I read through my comments, there are some amazing ones that make me feel warm inside, but it can only keep me smiling for a few seconds because all to soon there is a nasty hateful message. 

Honestly, I'm pathetic. I'm 28 - a fully grown man - yet I can't even hold myself together at the sight of hate. And it's not even like I'm the only one. All of us youtubers get hate, but I feel as if they have a high love to hate proportion, whereas mine is about even. 

Maybe I'm just being pathetic and an attention seeker, but I can't help the way I feel. 

Tiptoing away from the door so Dan doesn't know I'm spying, I make the few remaining steps to the kitchen. Shakily, I walk towards the knives. I'm not exactly an expert at this, so I'm not sure what type to use. After a few seconds of debating, I get the biggest - I want to feel the pain I deserve. 

As I turn to leave the room, Dan walks in. 

"Hey, Phil" He says. Then, seeing what I'm holding, he adds "What are you doing?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot an apple. "Uhm, nothing... I-er was just cutting up an apple to eat."

"With the carving knife we use to cut meat?"

Damn, I didn't think of that. I look down. "Oh!" I say. "I didn't mean to pick up this one."

Dan nods, a suspicious look on his face. I don't think he quite bought it. Saying that, I wouldn't have bought it either. 

Whether he believes me or not, he drops it. 

"Come on, lets go and watch a movie." Dan grabs the wrist I was about to cut and drags me through to the TV. 

I sigh. I guess I'll just have to try another time. 

Snuggling up with Dan, the jealousy I felt toward him less than five minutes ago vanishes, and I can't even imagine feeling like that. 

Feelings come and go. Hopefully that one will go. For good.

*********

I swear to god these chapters are just getting shorter and shittier. Anyways, thanks for reading. What are your thoughts? 

~Frey x