the voice - tommyinnit angst

four

Tommy's POV

TW: nightmares, 

Spinning... I see spinning, but the world is black. I suppose I don't see it. I feel it. Its there, a spinning, a falling, a vortex, I'm slipping down it

Struggling to get up, hands clawing at the air

Trying to grab something, cling on to something

I'm about to

fall

I sit up suddenly, breath rushing from cracked lips, hands slippery with sweat as I snatch at the thin duvet cover. Black spots cover my vision, slowly clearing as my eyes adjust to the morning light. It strikes my floor in gentle rays. I stare at it as my breathing calms down, and it continues to shine in that easy way of its, mocking me with its dancing freedom, its ease of movement. I stay, panicked, in my bed as it glows. The light makes my eyes hurt. I shut them to block it out, but as soon as my eyelids have covered my sight, it starts to replay in my mind. The spinning, the slipping, the falling. The inevitable drop into nothingness. The nightmare. 

The nightmare. It started at the same time as the voice did, perhaps slightly afterwards. Recent. At first, it was just the spinning, but as the days progressed, that was joined by the hectic mess of the void, and by my breathless awakenings as morning arrived. It always took me a while to calm down afterwards as I recovered from the terror. My body was always rushing with fear, half breaths and pounding heartbeats, and the weakness that only comes from pure desperation. My hands still grip the sheets, but their hold loosens as the adrenaline seeps from my body. It leaves behind a drowning exhaustion. Its inescapable, but I'm used to it now. Just another side affect of the voice. I take a moment to lie there, letting myself slip into oblivion, hoping that, just once, I can feel safe again. Just like I used to.

My thoughts are interrupted by the familiar ding of a Discord notification, complete with the gentle vibration of the phone against my arm. This is promptly followed by three more, and I lift the sheet to see the screen lit up under my elbow, casting a slight glow across the bruises marking my arm. Its 11:26, and from the looks of it, I'm missing an important event. Banners displaying the purple Discord logo are streaming down the phone screen, and almost all of them appear to be from members of the Dream Smp. I groan and turn over, pressing my thumb to the home button and clicking through to the group chat that Wilbur has made.

As soon as I see the title, I blanch.

WilburSoot has created the group, 'meetup'

I rapidly begin reading through the chat.

WilburSoot has added: TommyInnit, Tubbo, Ranboo, Nihachu, Ph1lza, GeorgeNotFound, JackManifold 

(a/n - in this au nobody has met up yet, and so this would be their first time meeting)

WilburSoot: Hi everyone, I was wondering if you'd all like to meet up some time this summer? We could hang out irl for the first time and get lots of great content! Sadly no Americans here, (except Ranboo since he already has the plane ticket) so Gogy can't see Dream yet, but if anyone's interested we can group together to rent a huge airbnb to stay in?

Nihachu: That would be great! I'd love to see everyone!

Tubbo: oooh cool ill ask my parets

JackManifold: That sounds fuckin cool ill check when im free

Ranboo: Sounds good, as long as its within the time im staying and my parents are ok with it

WilburSoot: We can organise that, everyone just dm me the dates you're available

Ph1lza: Sure mate, sounds fun

GeorgeNotFound: As long as it doesn't clash with my Florida trip id be happy to see you all

Tubbo: ahh i see, gogy wants to meet dreammm 

WilburSoot: Ok, thats almost everyone...

WilburSoot: Tommy?

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

A meetup?

I fall into a panicked trance. My fingers trace the home button rapidly, my body trying to grip on to this terrifying reality as my mind slips into a trance, filled with rushing thoughts.

I can't do that. My face... They'll know something's up. If he finds out they know- and he will by the time they figure it out - then I'm done for. He'll never let me stay, and I have nowhere else to go. I'll be lost. It may hurt right now, but anywhere's better than nowhere.

Nowhere could be good for you. There'd be nobody to bother you there. Maybe you'd die...

I don't want to die.

Think about it... everything you've done, said, every time you've troubled anyone... Gone. Although I suppose there would be nobody left to punish you for your shit.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I swear.

It's nothing to do with meaning, Tommy. Perhaps in a while you'll see... You'll be able to punish yourself. Then my job will be done.

What?

I don't understand what you mean...

Maybe no-one was ever in my head at all.