A World Alone

Chapter 9: Complicated

I don't speak to my mom again until Friday, when she calls me as I'm about to leave to Matt's house. I'm making some tea, even if I'm sure I'll drink some more when I'll get there, when my phone lets me know I've got an incoming call and I doubt for a few seconds whether to pick it up or not. And I do, after all, even if all she tells me is a few thank you for letting Marianne enter the house (not that I had any other choice), and she talks to me about South Africa and the movie they're shooting there.

And it's not like I want to sound selfish or anything, but I actually don't care about what she's talking about. I don't care about the movie they're shooting there, the time they're spending in another country where I'm not, or the life they lead in London. I was left behind here in the States, and that's enough for me to resent them all —including Lily.

Lily and I were close as literal sisters when we were growing up. We went out together to party, we went to school together, and we had a blast every time doing anything at all. Now that she lives and studies in London, it seems as if her life has changed a lot; we barely speak, we barely text each other, and when once there was actual, honest communication, now there's something resembling to nothing. People grow, and change, and it's normal, and I guess it's even healthy... but I feel so left behind that it's actually scary.

Yet, I hate showing it. I barely do, to be honest. My friends at school change as well, and maybe they even think the same about me, but... I hate feeling like I'm being left behind, so I'd rather don't do that. Instead, I just pretend everything's fine, even if it pains me on the inside.

Talking to my mom today is a lot like that, too. I pretend I'm not even listening to her, I pretend there's nothing she could tell me that can hurt me or make me angry... at least at first. Because then, out of nowhere, the sudden realization of what happened a few days ago hits me, and I realize that I'd rather say things than to keep them inside —and not because I'm a big fan of saying stuff to people, but because I'm suddenly so angry that I don't even know what to do with it. So, as I usually do, I argue.

I ask her why Marianne's living there, and why did she travel to South Africa to visit them —and I didn't.

"Es complicado," my mom says, and I understand it's complicated, but that doesn't tell me much, does it?, "no queríamos que tuvieras demasiadas distracciones este último año de escuela... sabes que el año entrante es año universitario, y ya debes comenzar a preocuparte por universidades, si es que todavía no lo has hecho..." I roll my eyes. Right now, I couldn't care less about university, or finishing high school. That's not an excuse.

"¿Y por qué no me dijeron que Marianne estaba viviendo en la casa?"

"Pensábamos alquilarla, y sabes que lo hicimos... pero luego las personas no renovaron su contrato y no queríamos perderla..." I roll my eyes. I'm still angry, even if I shouldn't really be. I mean, I live here now, don't I? And that house isn't my own anymore, even if my room and my bed are still there, even if my mind is, too... but I'm so angry when people can enjoy the things I can't, especially when I don't really like them... it just sorts of happens.

"¿Por qué ella viajó a South Africa entonces?" I ask, but my mom talks about the exams and university again, and I just want to hang up. It's not fair, but what isn't fair, exactly? Had they asked me to visit them there, I'd had said yes? I doubt it, but at least they could've asked me.

My dad drives me to Matt's house on that Friday, by the way. He insists for about five minutes, and I end up saying yes because I already lost a lot of time talking to my mom over the phone and arguing with him over if he's gonna drive me or not, so he does. He says he's got a friend making a movie near the beach where Matt lives, and that he's stepping in just to take a look at the set.