A World Alone

Chapter 10: Piece of my heart

I don't know how long I spend in silence after hearing Matt's words, but I do know I feel like a fool the entire time for not realizing. Every single time he talked about Demian he had this strange look in his eyes, I just knew it... and every time he talked about the band, the rest of his ex-bandmates, or friends, or whatever... well, he didn't. There was a melancholic look, that's for sure, but it wasn't quite the same one. I should've known, it was pretty much obvious... and yet it wasn't. I mean, he always spoke about Demian as his bandmate, and I only pictured he was his best friend because he's the person he spoke the most about —and because internet told me.

And yet, this sudden, completely unexpected confession left me entirely shocked, so shocked I've got no idea of what to do next —or what to say.

I could say a couple of things, but I don't know if those would be the right ones... what does one say in these situations anyway? I mean, this guy's here, confessing me how his ex-bandmate (now also best friend, possible boyfriend, lover, or whatever he calls it, I guess...?) broke his heart, and he actually says it like... well, real heartbreak, and he sounds and looks as if he means it, and I don't know if he's expecting me to react but... what could I say?

Half of my instincts tell me to leave him alone, to leave him be. They say he needs time to think, time for himself, and that means he needs to be alone in his house... and speaking of house, when he said he was supposed to move here with someone else, does that mean that he...?

Yet, the other half of my instincts are telling me the opposite; they say I should stay here and just... well, I don't mean to get into someone's business, but maybe just stay in case he needs to talk... or vent.

And he does, by the way... he certainly does.

"Well, say something," it's the first thing he says in I don't know how many seconds, "anything, just... speak, please," he adds, in a low voices.

"I swear I'm trying, but I just— this wasn't exactly expected, I—" I stop talking, once again shocked, but this time, by my own thoughts. When I found that old notebook of his, it was... well, what was written must've been for Demian, I'm sure it was. Boy, he truly got his heart broken... poor Matt.

"Yeah, I know... I don't usually... talk about it with people, but, uh— I don't know, I just needed to..." I nod. "You can ask questions, if you want... I can't assure you I'll know how to answer them all, but..." I nod, slowly.

"Well, my actual question is, uh... did you leave the band because of the heartbreak, or was it just something— else? Like, was it the other way around? And," I quickly add, "I assume that when you say heartbreak you mean..."

"Strictly romantic, yes, I do," Matt confesses. "And the band... it was a mixture of things, to be honest..." he shakes his head, making himself comfortable on the sofa, "I really wanted another album, pretty much the instant after the third tour ended, but... well, the boys didn't want to. Martin had a kid, Freddy had a covers band, Nick had a label that was signing in small bands..." he shrugs. "I don't know, they had their things..."

"And what did he have?" I dare to ask seconds later, as Matt raises his eyebrows, as if he was remembering it all.

"Demian wanted to major in English," he confesses, "and it's cool, and great... but I didn't have anything other than the band, and uh... I was just an asshole, to be honest," Matt adds, suddenly.

"Oh," I say, as he smiles a little bit.

"Yeah, I mean— I wanted to have it my own way, and I couldn't, and I had a lot of unsolved issues that I couldn't really... manage to solve yet, and I felt empty and lost without music, and especially thinking and knowing that everyone had their things and... I didn't. Without music what did I have? What do I have now? An empty house? A miserable lifestyle?" he shakes his head. "What happened back then was just the beginning of all this, I guess..."