My Last Snow | Mark Lee

CH1.1

***

HER.

***

I stared at the TV that played the same channel on repeat. It was the same 7 boys that danced and smiled. I saw them every-time the TV was on.

"If only I could look at them all day" My nurse and only friend, Yeseul, voiced with her hands pressed together in a clasp.

I sighed. I envied them. Being able to chase their dream and travel the world. My dream was to see the Northern Lights. It was the one thing I wanted to do before I fell ill and met my death. Multiple sclerosis is rarely fatal, but that doesn't mean it isn't. I didn't care whether I was in the percentage of people diagnosed with fatal MS (Multiple sclerosis); I just wanted to see the dash of colours across the skies. A MS attack causes distortion in one's movements and can cause all sorts of pain. They were the thing that eats away the connection of my brain and my body. That's why travelling alone was not of convenience for people with MS.

I scrutinised each one of the boys dressed in sparkling, sequin blazers. I bet they've seen the Northern Lights. They're famous, they're rich. Of course they have. They weren't like me: trapped.

"You have a gym session in 5, Haewon." Yeseul packed away the bottles of pills and a broken glass on the floor. I had an attack 30 minutes prior to turning on of the TV. No one panicked; they were used to it.

"Okay" was all that I could say as I routinely slipped out of bed, shutting off the TV with one click of a button. The boys were gone from my vision, just like that.

It was snowing outside. I didn't feel any type of urge to leave my room to enjoy the snow, like some patients did. I didn't feel the need to. Snow will melt anyways.

"Haewon, sit" My doctor gestured to my seat. I sat, empty. I hadn't smiled since the winter I was admitted here. In my books, there was no point to enjoyment if one was to feel pain later anyways.

"Would you like to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

I didn't want to hear any news at all.

"The order doesn't matter"

"Haewon, we're going to have to alter a bit of your treatments"

I knew exactly where this was going. I've heard these words for 10 years.

"From your last attack and analysis of your previous movements and the condition of your attacks, I think it's safe to diagnose you with the 3rd stage of multiple sclerosis. Secondary-progressive multiple sclerosis is hard, I've seen patients having to fight it. Your relapses will be more aggressive, and the disease will steadily worsen. The good news is that there are expected remission periods after attacks. You've fought this for years; I know you can fight this too." The words seemed to be forced from his throat.

I scoffed, scrutinising the doctor in the eye "Multiple sclerosis is a chronic disease. There's no treatment, doctor. It doesn't matter how much I fight. The chances of this--"

"I know, I'm the doctor"

We sat in an ocean of silence for a second. It was always silent when neither of us wanted to talk. Whenever a patient talks with a doctor, it's never about how their day has been or what they ate for lunch. It was either good news or bad news, in most cases, bad news. I had never expected good news. When I hear there is news, I assume it's bad. My nurse would call it being pessimistic, but pessimism has been injected in my body the moment I ran out of optimism. The last time I thought of something good was when I was 5. That was 17 years ago. 

I stood up with a roll of an eye, leaving the room. Moments after, I heard footsteps. It must have been Yeseul. I stopped. I wanted to listen.

"How is she?" Yeseul sat down, eagerly glancing between the doctor's eyes.

"Stage 3" The doctor sighed with exasperation. Yeseul's face fell.

"She's a strong girl. She just has to get her head out of wherever it is now. I've tried everything to try and encourage her that this isn't a life-long war. Heck, I've even tried to get her into a boy-group!" She ran a hand through her hair

"She'll know just how important to live when she finds something she truly loves. When one has something that they will give up their whole life to hold on to, they'll grasp onto it with their dear life, even if it's just the memories left."

"You think she can?"

"She has to. Without armour, she can't win in a war as fierce as hers"

I laughed.