Amazed

Chapter 15: Heavy memories

A bright ray of sunshine found its way to Yelena's face, slowly waking her up. The two had slept soundly through the night after their activities. As her eyes were opening, she realized that she was still resting soundly on Y/N's chest. They had fallen asleep with their arms wrapped tightly around her, which seemed to still be the case as she had woken up.

Smiling as her eyes were still trying to open, Yelena softly kissed up their jawline a few times before reaching their ear, "Wake up," she whispered gently.

The corners of Y/N's mouth began to rise at the sound of her voice. Without opening their eyes, they pulled her closer to them and rested their cheek on her forehead.

As Yelena began to wake up, she noticed that Y/N was drifting back off to sleep. She reached up and rested her hand on their face as she placed a tender kiss on their lips. Y/N started waking up as she continued laying kisses.

"You're not a morning person, are you?" She laughed.

"No," Y/N replied with their eyes still closed.

Yelena laughed again, "Well, let's change that," she said before kissing down their neck. Before they knew it, the two were replaying the previous night's activities all over again.

The light that had woken them up had now lifted enough to not blind them in bed. Y/N looked over to check their phone for the time, "Jesus, I mean, if we start off every morning like this then I'll eventually be the one waking YOU up!"

She laid her head on their shoulder and nuzzled her face into their neck. The two spent the next couple of minutes laying together, exchanging kisses here and there.

"I'm going to hop in the shower," They said before pulling the covers off of them.

Yelena threw the covers off her as well and jumped up, "I'm coming!"

Though a shower with her sounded nice, Y/N immediately felt their breath leave their lungs. There were parts of them that she had not seen yet and that they were not ready to talk about.

Might as well be honest, they thought.

"I-uh, I don't think that's a good idea," They started, "I have... scars. Things that I'm not ready for you to see and not quite ready to talk about either."

Her eyebrows furrowed slightly before she kneeled back on the bed to grab their hands.

"I really want to, like, I'd absolutely love to, but I'm just nervous," Y/N said as they choked back the tears that were starting to form from even thinking about what had happened to them.

Yelena quickly noticed and pulled them into her to lay on her chest, "It's okay. I'll be ready to listen whenever you're ready to tell me," She responded as she tightened her arms around them while tracing her thumbs on their skin.

There was a lot about Y/N's two-year hiatus that no one here at the compound knew about, not even their uncle Steve. Some of the events had unfortunately left permanent reminders about what they had experienced.

The longer they sat there, the more they began to think back on it, "I'm gonna hop in, but I can meet you in your room when I'm done?" They said while Yelena's arms were still wrapped tightly around them.

A silence fell over them for a few seconds as Yelena was doing her best to find the right words to say, but there were no right words. All Y/N wanted right now was to wash off the memories of their trauma and get back to spending time with the people they enjoyed being around most.

"Absolutely. I'll see you in a bit," She said as she finally released her grip on Y/N, but not before laying kisses on their forehead and cheek. Without another word, she smiled and made her way down to her room, leaving Y/N alone with their thoughts.

They often decided that the best way to handle what happened was to just block it out completely. The only people who knew what happened were those in their unit at work, but only because they had also been subjected to the same fate.

Y/N started the shower and threw their clothes in the bin. When they turned around to check their medicine cabinet for something to help with the headache that was growing in the middle of their forehead, they lost their train of thought as they met eyes with themselves in the mirror.

Within seconds, their mind is flooded with flashbacks of their time in the holding cell, locked away from their teammates, experimented on, and beaten for information. The more the flashbacks come, the harder it is for them to pull themselves from the depths of their own mind. Quick breaths are met with a rising heart rate, causing Y/N to nearly pass out before they found their way to the ground and rest their back on the wall.

Their eyes flicker quickly as they try to push the memories from their mind. It felt as though time was standing still for them, locked in their own mind the way they had been at the HYDRA base just over a year ago.

Just as a memory flashed through of HYDRA questioning them about Tony, a knock on their bathroom door finally broke them free of the misery they had just experienced in their own brain.

"One second," They echoed as they stood to grab their towel.

"We're going to get brunch in town, do you want to come?" Y/N heard Nat ask through the door. 

Silence fell between the two while Y/N tried to focus on calming themselves down. Their mind had broken free of the heavy memories, but their body was still experiencing the symptoms.

"Uh, I'm okay. I'm about to get in the shower, but I'll meet you later," They responded.

Nat may not have spent much time with Y/N recently, but they were still able to notice when their energy was off, "Are you sure?" she asked once more.

"Yes, I'm supposed to meet with Tony and Peter here soon to help with Tony's new designs for their suits. I'll meet up with you all later, I promise."

Still unconvinced, Nat decided to let it go and let Y/N be. They weren't sure what to do about these flashbacks. Most of the time, the memories were easily able to be pushed down and not worried about. 

A hot shower helped the anxious feelings wash away from their body and leave them feeling slightly better. They found some clean clothes in their bag that they still had not unpacked and made their way to Yelena's room to see if she tagged along with Nat for brunch.

Before passing the steps, Wanda turned the corner and almost bumped into them, "Ah! Shit, oh sorry," Y/N said.

Unfortunately, of everyone on the compound, Wanda not only knew Y/N the best but was also able to read their mind. It was exceptionally easy to do too when their thoughts were so loud that they weren't able to control them.

She took a moment to glance over their face, "What's... what's going on?" She asked, wrapping her hands around their forearms in attempt to calm their mind.

Jesus Christ, they thought, this is literally the worst time possible.

"I'm fine, I have to go," Y/N responded as they tried to move past and down the hall, but Wanda's grip only tightened around their arms.

"Something is going on," she said, trying to get them to talk to her.

Though Wanda was being sincere, the grip she had on their arms and the strong desire they had to never talk about what was going through their head was causing their blood pressure to rise.

"I know we're civil now, but this is not something we need to discuss and it is absolutely not something I want to talk about. Please let me go," They said sternly while trying their hardest to keep control of themselves.

Wanda waited for another second as she loosened her grip but still held their arms. The silence at this point became uncomfortable for Y/N knowing that the last time they were this close, they almost allowed something to happen that they would have regretted instantly.

She nodded before letting go of them completely and allowing them to go on to where they were headed.

Being in the fucking cell felt easier than that entire conversation, they thought as they raced down the hall to Yelena's room while simultaneously forgetting that Wanda was still able to hear their thoughts.