The Scars Within

Friendships, Depression, and Truama.

I developed friendships with so many like no other. Something about me I couldn't understand was that I easily made friends with almost everyone. I was a natural at it, although I wasn't much of a people person, but for someone who spent most of their childhood alone, I didn't do too badly.

These friendships began in fourth grade and as time went on, it expanded.

By the beginning of high school at age fourteen. I had what I believed was a solid group of friendships. We were all around the same age and either in the same grade or one apart. They were endless, and I felt like I got the chance to experience what it was like to have siblings, a true family and you know as kids you always think things are forever, sometimes adults think that, too, but they know better far more than we did.

We definitely had our hardships as having a huge group of like ten friends will definitely come with challenges, but we clicked back like we used to before, except some friendships weren't mendable.

Anyway, whenever we got together, it was always a fun time.

Because of them, I felt confident attending school dances and pep rallies.

I could sit in class and actually have someone to talk to and have fun with. I could go to lunch knowing there was a place for me. A group I fit in. With my upbringing being not so great, I was naturally reserved and quiet. I didn't speak unless spoken to. I wouldn't even raise my hand in class. I was really smart, but I never felt confident.

We hung out everywhere. So many after school trips we took together. We had a group chat that we texted and called every day. We made plans outside of school. It was literally everything to me. I thought I was living the life. I had it all; I felt. I think having this group helped me find myself more than I knew, but for the life of me, I can't figure out where it all went wrong.

At sixteen years old on New Year's day in 2018. I'd lost every friendship I'd ever had.

Now I will say that I was going through a rough time at that point. I had a boyfriend that didn't treat me right. He kept me so down I'd skip school and miss class work. I nearly didn't graduate because of it, but I snapped back to reality. That's another story. I know that before I lost these people that I could sense something was off about every one of them. I noticed the way they wouldn't speak to me much or have this fake personality with me. I noticed at lunch, nobody sat with me as before. It was weird.

Whenever I asked what was up, none of them could be honest with me. They all played with my emotions, pretending to be okay with me while they actually didn't want to be my friend. I didn't find this out until New Year's. Every new year we'd all tag each other on Facebook and say how thankful we were to have each other and we carry on. That night, I saw that one of my friends tagged everyone in a post except me and at that point I was really confused, but I knew what I felt in my gut wasn't wrong. Something was definitely off.

I reached out to her, and I asked her why wasn't I tagged, weren't we friends? And what she said broke not only my heart, but my spirit. She told me she wasn't my friend but then wished me happy new years. I never cried so hard in my entire life the way I balled like an infant that night. It felt like knives were in my chest.

Everything hurt. I was so broken.

I couldn't believe what I felt was true. I think what hurt me the most wasn't what she said. It was the fact that everyone felt the same way and didn't have the guts, to be honest, in my face.

They all betrayed me, it seemed, and that was the biggest slap in my face. I'm not gonna say I was perfect. I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid. I was finding myself and during one of my darkest times; they abandoned me, and that's all I knew. It was like my father and my family disowning me all over again.