The Scars Within

Sexuality

My sexuality was something I never focused on. I never given much thought to it. All I knew was that girls liked boys and I was to have a husband with children. While that may be true and something I still want. I hadn't realized that I was drawn to women.

These feelings came about as early as twelve years old, only I'd had this feeling as young as seven. Something about their enticing and beautiful nature aroused me. I never paid much attention to this feeling because I didn't know I could feel this way for a girl.

I remembered being around my friends at a young age and I'd have thoughts about kissing them. I was still dealing with hypersexuality, so I thought maybe it was just that.

I didn't realize it was a new experience for me I'd unlocked by dating one of my best friends. She was someone I had an unknown crush on. I didn't realize I liked her until I could have her. Things were actually great between us. We had no problems showcasing our affections for each other and I was very much into her. It was easy since we were best friends, so not much changed. Only I could explore the thoughts that ran wild in my head.

I was raised in a religious household.

My mother didn't believe in being gay and refused the idea of her children ever being that way. It was only one way to her, so I never discussed these feelings with her and hid the relationship from her as well as she didn't permit me to date until I was at least sixteen, but I, of course, wanted to just explore. I was a curious mind.

I thought things would be fine, since I got to see her at school and we were always at each other's houses. I was sure I could play things off as a simple friendship. Only, there were some challenges that stood in my way.

Being in a time where LGBTQ wasn't really expressed as often, I experienced being bullied in school for it. Me and my girlfriend. It got so bad that we'd sneak and see each other or I'd get so embarrassed that I'd lie and say that I wasn't gay just to get the attention off of me. I even went as far as getting a boyfriend in school just to cover up that I liked girls, which hurt my girlfriend, and I hated myself for it.

I never knew why I was shamed for just trying to love someone. To just figure out what I liked. I didn't know if I was entirely gay or not. I just knew I liked her. I kept myself in the closet for a while. Constant denial and worry at every corner I turned. My girlfriend wanted to be out and so did I, but unlike her, I cared about my image and how others saw me. I wasn't brave. I wanted to fit the standards of normal.

There were times I thought deeply about it like what if I wanted to marry a woman and couldn't because it wasn't legal at the time and that if I wanted kids or to adopt, I'd be denied based on my sexuality? I feared that I'd be denied by God because of the stories I read in the Bible, how he flooded the two gay cities. That it was an absolute abomination. Knowing all of this, I still couldn't stop how I felt when it came to women. I couldn't resist the urges, and the more I tried, the more my body craved it. I grew angry with myself. I prayed to God to change me, to stop making me feel these things. I remembered I cried so hard one night, asking him why me? Why did he have to make me like this? My life was already hard enough. I didn't need this.

Despite my best efforts at keeping these things from my mom, she eventually found out. I thought it was my sister who outed me as she saw messages from my phone that I texted to my girlfriend, who was still disguised as my best friend. I remembered begging her not to after she threatened she would. I even cried. It was something I deeply struggled with and I wanted my sister to be the sibling that I could talk to, to express this with and have helpful advice, but it seemed like she just wanted to hurt me. Maybe it was just her being young, but she did not know how serious this was to me. It wasn't simple, like kissing a boy.

I wasn't ready to be further shamed. My mom found out from my girlfriend's mom who called her and told her as she didn't approve of the relationship, either.

My mom lost her shit when she found out. She was livid. She screamed at me and even cornered me in a wall. She clarified that I won't be gay, and she refused to accept it any other way.

She pulled a knife out on me and told me she would sacrifice me before the lord punish her for my sin.

She forced me to break up with my girlfriend and forbid we saw each other. I was more than hurt. I was traumatized. I was so scared by the idea of being gay that I refused to acknowledge it any further. Only the feelings never went away.

I wished she'd been more open about it.

That she was more clearheaded. She was ignorant of it, but so was I. I didn't understand these feelings. Many say it's a phase. I thought so, too, until I realized it wasn't. It wasn't my choice to be this way. It was a natural reaction, the same reaction I got when I liked boys, too.

So I secretly did research on sexuality.

Learning the spectrums and where I fall in. I took online tests, trying to understand who I was since nobody else cared to.

I came to learn that I wasn't gay. I very much still liked boys and girls. Finally, I had a term and at fifteen years old, I  identified as bisexual and demisexual and I learned to embrace those parts of me. I spoke to others similar to me, hearing their stories encouraged me.

Gave me strength and support that I wasn't alone and that it was okay to love more than what the world agrees to. I understand that this was my life and I couldn't help who and what I loved. It hurt knowing most of the world rejected me, but when it became more socially acceptable and when gay marriage became allowed. The day we could finally be ourselves, I felt like I could be happy in life and not have to keep denying a piece of me that was undeniable.

Eventually, my mother apologized to me for her awful behavior towards the situation. She wished she understood more or attempted to. She accepts me now as she honestly doesn't have a choice to. I was going to be this way with or without her support, but to have it meant more than anything in this world to me. I was still me. I just found myself in a newer way.

I'd like to make it aware to parents that if your child comes out to you, the best thing you can do is to be approachable and listen. Sexual orientation isn't a choice despite the way people suspect.

It's biological just as we don't choose our gender, it's given before birth. Of course, you don't know your body is wired that way until you're in the stages of early adolescence when your body can process its hormones. Some of us are just as confused about it as you are. We didn't ask for this as you didn't encourage it. However, it's something we have deeply considered once the feelings are discovered. We are struggling to adjust to this new part of us. We just want to be told that you love us no matter what. That even if you don't approve, we didn't lose you in our lives.

Please don't shut us out. It's the biggest mistake you can do.