Silent tears

I am sorry......

                                                                    I am sorry to all those I hurt while I was hurting.

__

I dialled Jungkook's number on my phone. It didn't even take one minute for him to pick up.

"Hello? Yujin? yeah I'm--"

"Jungkook I am not well" I sniffled as I tried hard to contain my sobs. 

"You sound sick too. What happened? should I come over?"

"No! I-- I will be alright" I said as I bit my lips.

"You don't sound quiet good-"

"I am ok alright? I--" I couldn't hold it in anymore, a light sob escaped my mouth.

"Hey are you crying?" he asked softly.

I took in a deep breath to stabilize myself. 

"No no I uhmm I am sorry, can we just postpone this thing?"

"Yeah sure. You need some rest, call me if you need anything ok?"

"Yeah uhhh thanx. Bye"

"Bye take care"

he cut the call. I burst into tears as he cut the call. Out of all of the terrible things that happened to me he was the only one who managed to make me feel good. He brought a smile on my face whenever I felt worthless. 

I threw the phone to the end of the couch and pulled the roots of my hair. 

"You are pathetic, you are horrible. Look no one's there by your side. It's only you, you will never be perfect, you are not loveable, you are just a piece of shit, trash do me a favour and die"

I couldn't do it anymore, I went towards the kitchen cabinet and took out all the food I had:

oreos, doritos, chips, lays, biscuits, cookies, wafers. I just took all of them and laid them on my table. I opened the Oreos aggressively and stuffed two and five all at ones in my mouth. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobs, unable to control my own actions. I wiped my tears with the back of my palm and before I could gulp the food I opened the bag of chips and stuffed it in my mouth.

I took two handfuls and kept on stuffing food into my mouth, I lost control of everything, I felt so fucked up. Unable to control my tears, actions, my own life. I was just a puppet. I didn't even give time for my mouth to chew the food. I just ate and sobbed, I continued doing this even if I was full.

I opened the wafers pack and grabbed all of it. I just pushed it in, the crumbs everywhere on my carpet. I feel so shitty right now. I felt the food come up my throat because of how insanely full I was but I didn't stop.

"Useless, just die. Mirrors never lie. What do you see? you are fat"

Stop!!! I yelled as I chewed my food and sobbed. I quickly ran to the bathroom and put the finger down my throat, this time the food immediately came out because of how much I ate. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I helplessly threw up down the toilet. 

It didn't stop their. When I lift my face up I felt another lap rushing down my throat. I bent my head again, into the toilet as I held onto the seat. 

I my knees gave up as my bottom hit the cold bathroom floor. I held my knees tightly and buried my head in between them.

"You are such a cry baby, get over it"

I couldn't help but cry. That was all I could do, I lost control of everything, I ate like an animal who hasn't seen food in days. I hate living like this. All these years all I did was cry, but with no shoulder to lean on, my tears had no voice, they were silent. My sadness is hidden with my smile.

I suddenly heard the doorbell ring. I quickly ran to the sink and brushed my teeth and ate a breath mint to avoid the smell of vomit from my mouth.

I peeped through the hole to see who it was. I gasped as I saw Taehyung at my doorstep.

"Stay away from them"

"Yah! Yujin come out!" he yelled from the other side. 

"I brought you something"

"Go away" I said softly as his expression changed. 

"Wae? you're crying? Open the door what happened?"

"I told you to go away Taehyung! Just listen to me please"

"Yah! I'll break the door if you don't open it" he said with an angry face. 

"Please" 

"No! you know what? I will be sitting right here until you open the door" 

He sat in front of my door in protest. I covered my face with my palm. Why don't people just get out of my life and let me live in peace.

"Taehyung leave me alone, get out, just fuck off ok? I don't want anyone with me right now so please"

He slid down a note through my door. 

(Let me in please 🥺)

I chuckled as I read it. "Yah! tell me what's the matter,  Till then I will be sitting here" he said firmly. 

I sighed heavily and opened the door. I peeped through the door to catch him sitting next my door step. He got up on his legs once he saw me. 

"What's wrong?" he asked softly standing in front of me. 

"I told you to fuck off, why don't you listen to me? why do you always have to be with me? why do you agonize me just--" I yelled at him on top of my voice as he just stood there and watched me cuss at him. I just looked at him who stood there calmly. 

"Why can't you leave me alone" I said as a tear slid down my cheek. He did nothing, he simply came close to me and grasped me in a soft hug. His bomber jacket covering my petite figure. "Yujinie it breaks my heart when I see you like this" he whispered softly into my ears. 

I didn't say anything. I just held in my tears as he grasped me into a warm hug. I am sorry I am hurting you, I am sorry I cuss you out. I am so sorry I am hurting those around me. I can't do anything about it. 

"It's ok" 

It's not, It's not ok I said in my mind.

== next day ==

I wore a black oversized hoodie and placed the hoodie on top of my head so that I don't catch attention. I wore a pair of loose pants underneath. I hope I am invisible. Please Taehyung and Jungkook, I don't want to hurt you both. Just leave me alone please. 

__

It is recess and I am not eating, I don't have the energy to spit it out again. I just shoved my hands in my pocket and walked through the hallway. I walked towards the empty school auditorium hoping no one would see me.

My ED makes me isolate myself. I hate talking to people, I hate crying about my problems. I hate people. All I want for company is the voice that gives me control over my eating habits. 

As I was walking down the hallway I suddenly saw people rushing towards me. I shut my eyes involuntarily. They all ran past me, making me flinch. What's the matter why are they running like this?

"Jungkook is beating the shit out of Beogum " I heard one of the girls say as they ran past me. I stood there clueless about what I just heard. Beogum is the bully of our university. He has been irritating Jungkook for almost two years, I wouldn't be surprised even if he killed him. But I still followed the crowd.

I was shocked by the sight I saw. Beogum was almost lifeless by how intensely Jungkook kept punching his nose. 

His grunts grew louder as he grit his teeth together and held Beogum by his collar. 

"You are messing with the wrong person buddy" Jungkook said as Beogum smirked.

He punched him in the face once more. I covered my eyes by how strong the punch was, Beogum was literally lifeless, bleeding the shit out of him. Jungkook himself was hurt. His cheeks were swollen and his nose was bleeding. He grabbed a wooden chair from the side of the room and lift it up to hit him in the head