"Just Friends"

15

(1370 words)
I tiptoed towards the door, careful to not wake up the sleeping Ally and Jake who had gone to bed. The analog clock in the kitchen told me it was a little after midnight, Calvin and I went to sleep much later than our friends. 

One of the floorboards creaked underneath me and I flinched even though I knew they were heavy sleepers. They didn't stir even with all the noise Calvin and I had made during my first night back, with the nachos and wine. My wish to keep them asleep wasn't as altruistic as I'd like to pretend, I didn't want to wake them because I knew they were tired but also because I didn't want them to know I was going over to Cal's flat so late at night. For someone just heading over to hang out with a friend, I was acting suspicious as all hell.

Just hanging out, just as friends, just friends. I knew that. I knew that.

My heart didn't know it. The butterflies didn't know it. They were making themselves right at home in my gut again, I'd been seeing them so often they were old friends by now.

The hall outside was quiet, and I gently closed the door behind me to keep it that way. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I leaned against the wall to let myself relax and let out a sigh, then texted Calvin that I was on my way before heading off.

Throughout my short trip to his flat, memories of high school kept me company. All of us studying together at Brandon's dining room table, and Calvin and I spending the whole time flicking pencil shavings and paper scraps at each other. Cutting school that one time, just the two of us, and getting caught immediately by my mother. Sitting beneath the giant weeping willow tree and reminiscing on why it was so sad. He told me that day as we laid there that he would write a song about it, I wondered if he ever did.

I arrived at the building, chewing on my lip and trying to ignore the feeling in my chest. My heart was crying, just like the twisted and wind torn willow. As I entered the elevator it occurred to me that I never really wanted to be friends with Calvin, even back to the first time I saw him I didn't want to be friends, I wanted to be more. What a sickening future then, to continue to flirt and talk like we were in love, but never anything further. If I was honest with myself, could I do that? Could I spend years wanting and never receiving, probably watch him date and fall in love with another girl who treated him well so I couldn't complain. Cal wasn't supposed to fall in love with someone else, he was supposed to love me.

I reached his door at the perfect time for the realization to hit me: I wasn't just interested in him, I was in love with him. I was deeply, truly, head over heels in love with Calvin Garcia, and probably had been for years. I'd spent this whole time denying my feelings for him without even understanding how deep they were. My core ached.

I stood outside his flat for a few minutes, just staring at the wooden door, it's paint flaking off in small confetti-ed bits. The panicked desperation to run away again was seeping into my bones but my legs would not move, locked in a stubborn defiance of my willpower. I could run away, move back to Tennessee so I never had to deal with this, these feelings could simply be locked deep in my heart and never disturbed. A pipe dream, and I knew it, but the concept of an escape route at least made me feel better.

I knocked.

"It's open!" I heard him call from inside. It was almost a dream, but the pain I was feeling was all too real to not be reality. I walked in, head swimming.

Cal was leaning against the wall in the hallway outside his room, both arms crossed over his chest. He looked stressed, tense, he was biting his cheek.

"Hey," I said, and he looked up at me. Without saying a word, Cal approached me, taking barely four steps to reach the other side of the room.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that it took me completely off guard as he wrapped an arm around my waist and cupped my cheek with his other hand.

"Can I kiss you?" Calvin asked.

I didn't hesitate. "Yes."

He lifted my chin and leaned down, bridging our height difference. When his lips met mine it was just as gentle as the first time we kissed, like we were porcelain dolls attempting not the crack. The kiss was quick, and as we pulled away from each other, the cloudy spell over me broke and the pain that was plaguing me so heavily evaporated.

"I like-like you." Calvin smiled, a reference to our high school years. He must have been reminiscing before I got here just as I had been.

It would have been much easier to just say it back to him, would've taken a lot less courage too. Yet something had taken a strong hold on my heart and was reminding me that I had spent too much time at war with him because of half truths and partial lies and not communicating my real feelings. So instead of the easy half truth slipping off my tongue, I forced myself to tell the full truth as it bumped and tripped it's way from my mouth.

"I don't think I just like-like you, I think, I think I'm in love with you, Cal." I said. My stomach sank as he raised his eyebrows in shock. The queasy upset feeling of so many days prior returned. It came from the day after the party in my room, from the night in his flat while the others were on a snack run, from the moment in the elevator, from the bar with a bloodied Calvin and an angry Jake. But today was not those days, today was the day Calvin kissed me again, the day he told me he had feelings for me, and the day he said:

"I love you too, Ash. I really really love you."

He pulled me closer into a tight hug, then lifted me up and spun me around.

"I love you. I loveyouIloveyou. I've wanted to tell you that since you got back." He said. I was smiling so wide I hurt my cheeks, and every time Calvin exhaled it came out as a small laugh.
I wanted to say a million things, ask a million questions and tell him a million answers. There would be plenty of time for all of that later, right now my curiosity was getting the better of me.

 "Did you ever write a song about that willow tree?" I asked.

"Willow tree? The old one in that park we used to go to?"

"Yeah, you told me you'd write a song about it."

"Oh I was such a dramatic teenager, I wanted to write a deep song about true sadness and whatever." He waved his hand dismissively.

"But did you?"

"If you would like me to, my love, I would happily oblige." He said, taking my hand and pulling me towards the living room. "Just say the word."

"I think I've had enough sadness for right now." I told him as we flopped onto the soft pillows of his couch. He turned on the TV and we snuggled up into the cushions together. Will's hand softly pet my arm, sending lovely little chills down my spine. Every few minutes he would squeeze me closer, almost like he needed to check I was still there. Soft sounds of dialogue turned into white noise and my eyes fluttered closed.

"I love you." He said groggily.

"I love you too," I mumbled.

It wasn't as late at night as I normally go to bed, but I had no trouble falling asleep in his arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for sticking with me and my story, I'm currently without a computer as mine decided to shatter (I dropped it), and I had to write this on my phone. I'm hoping to get a new laptop soon and get back to normally scheduled writing. In the meantime, enjoy this short chapter.
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