Kitchen Kalamari

The Lethal Chef

Morning in the Breen-Shurinai residence. It was a beautiful Tuesday morning, bright rays of sunlight splaying through the windows. All the occupants were still sound asleep, but just waiting to wake up and start their days...bar Marja. She never wanted to get out of bed until midday. Lazy. Fortunately, her partner, an adorable Octoling called Ve, helped to get her lazy butt ready for the morning, usually because she was hungry and wanted breakfast.

Marja always made breakfast, mostly due to Ve still getting used to the surface and developing her skills. But one day, the young Veemo had an idea. One to surprise her sleeping Inkling companion.

'I'm gonna try make her breakfast this time!'

It was simple. Bacon and Eggs. A breakfast tale as old as time. And this flooded earth was pretty old. The Octoling set about her work with glee, but it wouldn't be long until that gusto slowly vanished. Even Ve knew it all too well; she was a terrible cook. Octolings were never fantastic chefs, their squalid conditions practically forbid fine dining as it was. It was always whatever was edible, heated over a fire...and sometimes not even that. But, some bacon and eggs couldn't be too hard...right?

Ve sighed as the thing that was once eggs burst into flame, setting off the fire alarm as it did so. She placed the smouldering mess down by the pile of jet black carbon once considered bacon, before tossing the resultant mess in the bin. She facepalmed, before sighing and setting about a second attempt. How about some waffles? Some toasted waffles, covered in maple syrup. Mmmm. Marja would love th-aaaaand the toaster exploded.

"...G-Get it together, Ve!" Ve snarled, slapping herself lightly in the face, "Cornflakes! Make her some nice...simple...cornflakes."

She got out the bowl.

She added the cornflakes.

She splashed some milk into the bowl.

[FWOOSH]

Eventually, even Marja was jolted awake by the sounds and screams coming from the kitchen. Dragging her aching, smelly body out of the warm bed, Marja promised to kill whoever was making this much racket as she ambled towards the kitchen. She opened the bedroom door to find a mess of black smoke and burnt food, Ve huddled around a plate of...something.

"What the shell is this?!" Marja called out, jolted awake by the shock.

"A-Ah, Marja!" Ve said, her composure clearly frazzled, "I made you breakfast! Good m-morning!"

Marja looked down at the plate Ve thrust into her hands, "Huh. Interesting. Egg and Soldiers. I like that...though, where's the egg?"

"I...It was supposed to be jam on toast..." Ve sighed.

"Oh yeah..." Marja said, "I can tell now by the jam shrapnel."

A pause. And then, Ve gave in and started crying pitifully, "I-I'm sorry!! I j-just know you a-always make breakfast and I-I just wanted to t-try and do something cute and s-sweet and make you happy. I'm sorry!" As the Octoling sobbed, Marja took a check at the now very damaged kitchen. The toaster was more out of commission than Marie's Twitter, smoking and dented. Splotches of soot and food waste scattered across the walls, and the lingering smell of smoke and ash invaded her nose.

She gave a small cough before tilting her head, "How did you survive before meeting me?"

"I-I ate the f-fastfood stuff Crusty makes..."

"Ahhhh..." The Inkling kneeled and patted the girl's head, "Hey, don't be too upset. I mean, this is still better than that crappy pizza we had in that child's deathtrap," Which wasn't even a bar with how low it was, but it was still something. Right?