Hetalia Crack: "The Post-Apocalyptic World"

Can You Lend Me Some TP?

I love destroying America.

"Ayo, could you ask Germany to do an emergency meeting? There's a lot of stuff on my mind lately." America twirled the phone cord in his hand. "It's a world meeting, not an emergency meeting. Get your head out of that Among Us bullshit." England scoffed. "Alright though, I'll let Germany know." He sighed. "Thanks, you're my No. 1 homeslice." America smiled. "Okay, bye." The Englishman hung up the phone.

---

"Vhat is vorthy of a vorld discussion today, America?" said Germany as he shuffled some papers. "Uh, I ran outta TP..." his voice squeaked. "Excuse me, I couldn't hear you very vell. Could you repeat that for me?" He requested. "I RAN OUTTA TOILET PAPER GUYS!" The American yelled.

Everyone stared at him. "Just buy more." Spain commented. "It's not that simple. Even if he had some, something tells me he still has to learn-a how to wipe his ass." Romano snickered. "I know how to wipe my ass, DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?!" he quickly started to undo his belt. "Calm down everyone! America, keep your damn pants vhere zey should be." Germany slammed his fist on the desk.

"Fine, sorry." He breathed, "But I think someone stole it from me." America pushed up his glasses. China looked over to Russia, "Would anyone even go to America's house to steal his toilet paper?" He shrugged at China. "Alright, if anyone somehow did steal America's... toilet paper... Vould you like to confess?" Germany looked around the room.

Some of the countries exchanged looks and started mumbling. "No offense, but I think France vented." America glared at the European country intensely. "What ze hell are you talking about?" France furrowed his brows. America began to slowly make his way over to his ally. "Taking the innocent route, aren't 'cha?" He leaned close to France and eyed him. "America, stop acting rike a sussy baka." Said Japan. "AHA!" The United States pointed at the Asian country Phoenix Wright style.

"I knew you'd come clean, me interrogating France was just a scheme to trick you into showing yourself. You fell right into my trap." He creeped up behind Japan's chair. "No, I use a bidet. I have no reason to stear your toiret paper, and yes; I pray Among Us, so what?" He explained. "Good point." America squinted.

America spoke, "Well obviously we have to vote some people off-" but stopped his speech when he noticed almost all the countries were leaving. "WAIT- ONE OF YOU IS PROBABLY IMPOSTER!" America screamed and tripped. "Ouch." He peeped. "America, zis is absolutely ridiculous. Next time have zis not be a waste of time, please?" Germany was now leaving as well.

America sighed and looked to see who was left. Only Canada, England, France, and Denmark remained. "I knew I could count on you guys!" America huddled the four closely. "It's getting hard to breathe!" Canada choked. "This is stupid." England added. The western country released them from his embrace.

"Now tell me, why did you lovely crewmates stay to help me? Don't tell me you're trying to be the heroes or something." He said. Denmark began to tear up, "I really couldn't sleep tonight knowing you'd suffer without toilet paper. That's just really fucked up man. Anyone who wouldn't help out is HEARTLESS!"

"I've known you long enough. Even zough you yelled at me, I still decided to stay." France smiled. "If I'm not here something bad will happen, I just know it." England avoided eye contact. "If England and France are here, I may as well be too!" Canada said.

America began to cry his eyes out. "You guys... what is a hero without his sidekicks?" He groveled on his knees. "Get up, you big baby." England sucked his teeth and aided America to his feet. "So, like, where do we start?" He asked ignorantly. "Just get toilet paper at our houses, it's not zat hard." France gestured.

Canada pointed, "Wait, what's that stuck to your shoe?" "Ayo, whut?" America looked down at his heel when he heard a stomp. "It was a trail of toilet paper, would you mind explaining?" England kicked the toilet paper off his boot. "Wait, I remember now! Tony said he needed toilet paper for his fort, but I guess he never actually said how much he needed. I forgot about that!" America gasped. "Turns out you were sussy imposter all along!" Denmark elbowed America.

They all laughed then the screen frame froze and did that thing where it zooms into a tiny circle and everything turns black like a sitcom.