I'm currently laying in bed my mind is consumed about thoughts of mister super star. I've never really felt like this before and I don't know how to react. I'm currently in New York visting my cousin and for the past few days its been really fun. Until I found out he came up here as well. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I really want to stop but I can't. I really want to talk to him but he has a large amount of followers and its hard for me to start conversations with him. I'm trying not to fall for mister super star since I barely know him and he barely knows me. But each time he posts I feel happy inside by being able to see him. He is my overall type, he doesn't live far from me, i've been a supporter of his for a while and I recently got noticed by him. He follows me back on instragram and we sometimes have brief converstaions in the dms. Gosh I sound like a fucking fan girl but I can't help myself. But then at this point I want to say fuck him and all these boys. Because it seems like I can't have the boys that I want but I always have guys trying to talk to me.
Like there was this one boy, who is still in my life as a good friend but we used to have feelings for each other. Then one day he popped up with a girlfriend out of nowhere and I felt like utter cow shit. Yes. Cow s h i t. Because I still liked that guy at the time and it hurts when he talks about her even to this day. But I'm gonna be a supportive friend and wish them the best. Now there is this other guy but he lives in FUCKING cali, all the way across the damn country. He is rather sweet and I would love if we could become more than friends but I'm not intrested in long distance relationships because I personally would not handle being able to not hug and kiss my s/o. Then there's also mister super star who fucks up my mind each time I see him.
I'm rather confused because my head is clouded with all these boys and I can't fucking understand it. It's summer time I should be having a hot girl summer but I got fucking caught up. I can feel my confidence diminishing. Recently I had a crush on this boy at my school and I shot my shot in his dms just for him to completly ignore me. Ugh these fucking boys I swear. That was another peice of my confidence slipping away from me. Then there is this other boy that also goes to my school and he is cute and everything. And almost everyday I would catch him staring at me but he would never say hi and it would make me kinda mad tbh. Becuase if you are gonna stare at least say fucking hi, wave, or smile tf. But anyways, on my last day of school I decided that I would go up to him and try to get his socials but I was still feeling pretty shitty from my recent rejection from my crush so I couldn't grow the fucking balls to go up to him.
AT THIS POINT I am done with boys. And my confidence is so fucked up. This summer has been the worst and the best at the same time. Idk how to fucking feel. I'm grateful that i'm able to travel and visit my family. But I feel pretty empty inside and I feel like I'm going through a little life crisis. I don't want to get attached to mister super star so I'm keeping my options open. But I feel so lonely I only have 4 good friends. One of my friend is working, the other is travleing, then one of them moved to cali last year, and then the boy who popped up with a girlfriend. So I really don't have anyone to hang out with. All my siblings are way older than me. So I'm by myslef most of the time and I don't mind it but I feel like I can't talk to someone. That's why I'm here pouring out my thoughts of the day. This has made me feel a lot better and I think I can sleep with a empty mind now. Thanks for listening.
Good Night,
-rexarie.
