HOLD ON

Hold On I still Want You

Chan giggled as the freckled-boy squirmed in his hold. He rubbed his nose on Felix's shoulder, taking in the smell, smiling. He was warm, as usual. He missed this. All those times wasted fighting, but now he wasn't going to let that happen again.

“Felix...”, he called. When the boy didn't answer he hugged him even tighter. Only there wasn't anything to hug.

“Felix?!”, was the first word he said as he awoke, and fell on the hospital's cold floor. The others looked at him weirdly, and some shushed him. Quickly he apologized, and he was met with the doctor from before coming out of the ICU.

He went to him. “Doctor..”

The man in the coat looked at him, slowly lifting his head.

“Is Felix alright..?”

The doctor sighed heavily, slowly shaking his head 'no'.

Chan stumbled, almost falling.

“I deeply regret to say this, but... we couldn't save mister Lee. We were too late.”

His mouth opened to say something, but he didn't know what to say. The news shook him to the core, and he couldn't properly react. His brain hadn't even registered what happened, and now this.

“Doc... you're lying.. right?” Please say that you are... please

The doctor once again shook his head. “I apologize, Mister Bang”

Too numb to even react about his apartment door being opened and left alone while he was at the hospital, Chan went inside, closing the door behind him.

He hadn't even put on his shoes in the rush. He looked at the bags on their dining table. The last things bought by Felix.

He went to look at the things inside, and found his sleeping pills, and his favorite biscuits, chocolate and in the other, he found two cheese sticks.

His heart broke, once more. They didn't get the chance to eat the cheese sticks together..

He made way to the bedroom, and went on their bed. He put the pillow on his face, and the faint smell of his boyfriend was there. The blankets, the bedsheets, they all had his boyfriend's smell. He hugged the pillow tight, and put the blanket over him, and he cried. Hiccups and sniffs left him, and his heart clenched at the loss of his lover.

“Felix... how am I supposed to live without you... I need you .. please don't leave me”, cried the boy desperately. He breathed heavily between his sobs, and he curled himself up. Images of Felix smiling flashed in his mind, making him cry even harder.

Then their recent memory came. His last words... he didn't even get to eat the cake he made for him. He didn't even hug the plushie...

Their last conversation ended with an argument. And Chan couldn't forgive himself for that.

He wanted to redeem every argument they had, big and small. He wished for everything to go back to when they shared loving talks, cuddled together, legs tangled in their sleep. All he wished for was to see Felix smile again, laugh again with him.

But every wish doesn't come true now does it? Every little wish he made, unable to be granted. He didn't have the power, nor was there any magic to suddenly help him. He was stuck, in the horrible and unchangeable life of his; the life without Felix.

Everything he did with Felix, now just memories. Irreplaceable things done together, he and the boy, things they did, never to be done again. They could no longer get married as they had planned, or adopt the kids they talked so enthusiastically about.

The sunshine to his life, no.. Felix was his life.

His arms the younger fit so perfectly in, was now empty. Nothing but air replacing him. He imagined the boy talking to him and playing with his fingers with the boy's slightly smaller hands. Painfully, he cried out.

“WHY GOD WHY?! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?? Why must you take.. my everything away from me..”, his cries echoed in the now empty apartment.

He made his way to the letter, that was on the floor. He read every word, memorising it. To others it may look like a normal letter, but to him, it was something he was going to treasure forever.

As he read the letter, tears filled his eyes once more. He so wanted to tell the boy he loves him once more, but it was impossible.

“Dear Channie, ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

My dear Bang Channie~ Can I still call you this? Ah I'll still do it~ hehe.
So.. since you're reading this.. I guess.. I'm gone. You must be feeling sad, right? I hope you are.. otherwise you'll be the cruelest person alive!

You might be wondering why I did this. I'm sorry Channie I just couldn't take it anymore. Every time we talked, we quarrelled. It felt like it was never-ending. I miss our times together you know? Times when we actually said we love each other. Do you.. still love me? Well in my case, I do. hehe. You can shout at me all you want, I will always love you Channie!

I'm sorry I accused our Jeonginnie like that. It was in the heat of the moment and.. I was lacking self-confidence and I really let that make us have an argument I'm sorryy~

There were these voices in my head.. telling me that everybody hates me. I know you.. well the you who loves me would say the opposite and call me sunshine and whatnot.. but stupid me believed it. I'm sorry but hey I didnt have anything to counter that did I? We constantly fight.. fought and i felt like I was disturbing the others when I was this free and they all are busy.

B-ut~ Channie. I know you're going to blame yourself. Please don't. It really isn't your fault. I am...was just weak and too sensitive. I wasn't weak enough to withstand this little problem of ours and I'm sorry. I really am. And I still want to clear this up! Changbinnie is my besto friendo! N o t like that... please trust me.

Please tell everyone that I'm sorry, not to blame you and that.. I love them.

Minho-hyung and Jisungie, Hyunjinnie and Innie, Changbin-hyung and Seungminnie.

I love everyone!

With all my freckles that you love so much,
Felix ❤️”

He folded the letter, as before, hugged it slightly so as to not crease it.

“I love you sunshine... always and forever. Nothing can change that.”, he told the air, hoping it would carry his words to his lover, who he could no longer see.

The memories they made, however, lived on with Chan, like gold engraved in his mind.

❀☔︎

Let's hope I don't get inspired by Whiskey Lullsby...