Bullseye

Chapter 10

I once again began to strum the depressing chords and right when I should've begun singing, my mouth dried up and I couldn't do it.

It was then that I buried my face in my hands and cried, "I'm sorry Andrew, I just can't do it."

"Kara it's okay." Miles said as he came closer and pulled me toward him to give me a tighter hug, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you can't do it because you're doing it wrong."

"What the heck? How am I supposed to take that?!" I snapped at him.

"Listen, based on what you said to me, it sounds like your brother wanted you to focus on the positive things, convey to people that it's not about the cancer, it's about the person. Based off that melody alone, it sounds to me like you too have fallen victim to associating your brother with death and cancer and not all the amazing, positive things you just said to me."

"So you want me to write an upbeat song about cancer?" I asked giving him an are-you-mental look.

"No, but Andrew does. He doesn't want the focus to be death and cancer, he wants it to be on life, specifically his life prior to the hospital."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"Well, you have a more rocky sound to your voice and this is something you are clearly passionate and emotional about, which always makes for the best songs and the best live performances. The raspy quality to your voice can add a really cool depth to your song if given the right instrumentals and lyrics. I say we try a melody more like this." He said as he began to play slow at first with a quick change in tempo, but his version was more upbeat and similar to any rock song you would hear on the radio, and the radio is our goal so that it reaches the largest audience possible. That's what Andrew would've wanted.

"You're right. I have been going about this all wrong, your melody is honestly better. It's more what Andrew would've wanted. I can't believe I didn't see that sooner, I did exactly what he didn't want."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes emotions get in our way and take over and put blinders on us so we can't even see the obvious. It happens to everyone. Sometimes, reality is so hard to deal with that sadness takes over." Miles said with a pained expression.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked looking into his eyes and gently rubbing his arm.

"Let's just say I have my own selfish reasons for wanting to write this song with you, Andrew isn't the only one who has been lost to cancer. I might not have watched her die in my arms, but let's just say you only grew up with a mom, but I only grew up with a dad."

"i'm so sorry, I know that was awful to live through."

"Uhm so anyway, what lyrics do you have so far?" He said looking away, obviously uncomfortable with his life being on trial, but I respect that. I know death is a hard thing to think about and it's even harder to talk about. So I respected his change of subject.

"Well I only have two lines and they are kind of depressing..."

"Let me hear them and we will figure out a way to fit it to the song."

So I began to just sing the lyrics without any instrumental backup in a slow and sad voice:

when I'm gone, will you miss me

when I die, will you cry

"I've never been able to get myself to be able to continue singing past that line. But now I realize those are not the lyrics Andrew wanted."

"Actually, they may be more depressing than we want for the whole song, but it might work. It grabs your attention. How about we use those lines, but then put an Andrew twist at the end. Then after those slow, melancholy lines, we can speed up the tempo and make more Andrew-esque lyrics?"

"That sounds perfect." I said smiling for the first time today. I don't think he understands how much this means to me.

"Ok so how about we try the line uhm when I'm gone will you just move on" He sang adding to my original lyrics. Then said, "It's still semi-sad, but now we are coming to that just move on twist that Andrew would want. We can then go from there to talk about how people won't remember him, they'll remember that stupid beast."

"The beast?" I gave him a quizzical look, I've never heard anyone refer to cancer as the beast before.

"Oh uhm yeah that's what I call cancer..." He said blushing.

"I like it. It really accurately represents what cancer is. A beast." I said offering a small smile.

"Any ideas for how we can transition into the real message of the song?" He asked me.

"Actually yes. Your cancer nickname gave me an idea. What if we pick up the tempo a little and sing this:

I feel like you don't even see me anymore

you only see the beast I storeee

The first line is something my brother often said..."

"I love it." Miles said genuinely smiling at me.

"OK well you came in saying something about breakfast, shouldn't we probably go now? And by now I mean shouldn't we have gone like an hour ago?" I asked chuckling.

"Oh yeah. Probably. But making sure you're ok is much more important to me." He said, care and concern flashing in his eyes.

"I'm fine. I promise, you're helping to make this process a lot easier for me." I said with an honest smile.

"Ok, well how about we go get some breakfast and figure out the rest of the lyrics and perfect the melody later?"

"That sounds perfect." I said with the biggest smile on my face. Grinning like a mad man and really meaning it is something I haven't done for a while now, but between having my dreams come true and Miles helping to make Andrew's dream come true, how can I not smile?

"What are you in the mood for?" Miles asked.

"Waffles, duh."

"But it's noon..."

"We are celebrities now, we can get waffles any time we want waffles."

"Oh so we have discovered the real motive behind you agreeing to open for our band. You want to mooch off of our fame to get breakfast all day."

"Duh. Why else would I put up with you morons?" I said with a wink.