My safe space

Touch

24th July 2021
Nothing is ever close enough for me. No matter how long someone holds me or how long i hold someone else its never enough. Its not tight enough, its not as together as it should be. Something is missing, or somethings not filled enough. Its so frustrating and annoying and it makes me so tired that i cant just be filled. I cant describe it. It hurts. Its so hard to describe. Its like even when im there nothing is close enough, nothing is as protective as i want it to be? Does that make sense? No. Err. I dont feel as close or protected or tight as i want? Like when someone hugs you and squeezes, i wanna feel that but it seems like its never tight enough, like im gonna fall into a void of longing if they move a single muscle. Im so angry at myself.
A. Its my book, yeah but i feel weird just talking about how i feel. It feels selfish, i dont like it.
B. I cant explain it and its frustrating me.
Its like an itch that cant be scratched, thats what physical touch is for me. Im really clingy and needy, i know that and i warn other people about it and then theyre like oh haha me too babes but no i dont think you are too, when i say im really clingy i fucking mean it. Its not cute or quirky or fun or cool its fucking infuriating and painful and sad and i hate myself so much for it. Its like Jesus and that fucking infinite water jug, its like that but opposite. No matter how much i get im never satisfied and i dont know why. Its horrible. Its fucking scary. Am i gonna feel like this forever or like? Seriously i hope this goes away. I really do. Just gets in the way of fucking everything. Its bullshit.