My safe space

The rain.

The rain
I love the rain. Im currently sat on my windowsill, next to two open windows at 7:14 pm. Its lightly raining, misty, cold, and the sky is painted a flat navy blue. I sit here and read, or write, when i can. I like the feeling of being able to control situations. I could jump out of this window by leaning against it and imagine my head colliding with the tiled floor that is my front garden. Its not even a garden, if im honest. Just a piece of small land we call our own. I imagine my skull cracking along with my neck, a pool of warm blood surrounding me in a glorious red, and in time, slowly washed away by the rain. I shiver, not because of the cold and numbness that nibbles at my toes and my fingers, but because of how easy it would be to end everything. I think of how id write letters to people i care about, people from my long forgotten past and people i love today. I think of the ways id help them cope. The ways id leave them to eachother. Ive thought about this alot recently, not that im planning on doing much. As much as i want to, i can never go through with anything. I worry about seth. One of my closest friends, i think of him as a brother. An angry, midget chair man with a baseball bat making angry big brother noises. It makes me giggle, i love him alot. I love grace, too. Grace and rima, my sisters by emotions tied together with red thread, a complex and intricate design that is our friendship. I love them both dearly. Maybe i love grace a little too much, i still havent decided yet. As i gaze out my window, i see the mist swallowing more and more buildings. Its darker now. Although my eyes have adjusted to my dark, messy room, and most of the stuff outside, i still have to squint to see the rain drop on the puddles below. The rain is my comfort. The rain helps me think and get down these feelings. Its still light, gentle rain. Quiet taps of water. Her majesty, the moons tears drip soothingly, reminding me i still exist in such a horrible world. Disgusting, vile, despicable, depressing, awful, rage inducing, cruel world that cares for no one. Then again, humans dont care about it either. Were destroying it. What does it matter to us?
I ramble, back onto my family. I feel like friends is an understatement. I love each one unconditionally, each with my own reasons. Katy and or Dee. She doesnt know what she wants her name to be. Ill refer to her as dee, though. Shes complicated, frustrating, confusing, annoying, but i love her as family all the same. She gave me a shirt yesterday. Its an adventure time one. If i die, id want it to be in my casket. Along with the wooden frog charm rima got me for my birthday in year seven, and the necklace grace gave me in year eight. That necklace is the world to me. The fog has come closer. I can barley see 10 houses down. I hope it takes me away to a stormy place. A place free from emotions, filled with books that never ruin, can never be ripped, or crumpled by water. A library of my favourite worlds that i can visit whenever i want. It sounds beautiful. I hope thats what my heaven is like.
If i died, id leave my family to grieve on their own. Id leave seth to grace, and grace to rima, and vice versa. My friends would take care of each other. They'd greave and move on in time. Charlie would help dee and dee would help charlie. They'd move on. The world would keep turning. They'd be okay without me. I am disposable. And I'm okay with that. I wouldn't want them to grieve long. Id want them to be sad for a month or two, and find new friends. Better friends. Better than i could ever be. And i want them to be happy, with or without me. All the memories, even the bad ones, id turn into an individual book. One for each person. Different things i did with them all. Like when i went to the forest with seth and i lost my phone, he found it and then said that his jacket suited me. He was creeped out that it looked that good on me, i like that memory. And the jacket. The jacket was cool as hell, i loved it. Very comfy. 10/10 would wear again. Or when me, grace and dee practiced at graces house for the drama performance, it was a simpler time. A better time. Ive struggled with mental health for a while now, but its never been this bad. It started when i was 12. When i joined high school. A lot happened, i don't know where it came from. I started thinking about death when i was 12, too. Closer to 13, to be honest. But dont we all. I had to scoot up on my windowsill, my lower back hurts. One of my legs is out the window. I like the pain of the cold. I like feeling the icy daggers of rain hit my skin. Its soothing. Its 7:44. I keep looking out my window. Jacob butcher just unsent a message saying "Love you xx" i just said im sorry but i cant reciprocate those feelings. He googled what that meant. Poor guy. Im getting colder. I might stop writing for now
Wait no theres more
Alot more
But i wont worry anyone if someone i know reads this
And if someone knows me is reading this?
Dont question it. Dont worry about me. Dont care that much. Dont ask me too many questions. This is my place, my safe space, dont you dare take that away from me. Please. Im begging you.
I digress.
Im going to start talking to the school councillor soon. I was talking to mrs brown about it on Friday. I told her how i told my mum i was thinking of what life without me would be like and my mum said i needed anti depressants. She said she was gonna book me in for therapy. I asked her about it a week later and she said they're only taking emergency calls. As if her child who she claims to love so much isn't an emergency. Part of me wants to die, and then i think of my real family. My friends. My friends are my real family. I don't have many, but i love them all with everything i have. I want them to know that. Im gonna tell them more often that i love them. Again, i digress. Mrs brown says shes going to talk to miss unwin about it and see if she can book me in with the councillor. I hope it helps. I don't want to make my friends sad. I don't want to kill myself yet. Id make them all hate me before i did. But thats about it. Thats all thats on my mind right now. Thats all I'm putting in my safe space tonight.
Ive always loved the rain.