[[忘羡 | WangXian 2]] : The Green-eyed Мonster

[15.] Touch me./Kiss me./Love me. {TW}

NOTE:

I am placing a TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter.

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Lan Zhan turned to face Wei Ying and his lips parted. Yet again, for the millionth time, he was staring at the delicate features, the soft skin, the carmine lips, yearning, yearning for even a slight touch... His heart was beating so fast that he felt giddy. He hoped, always hoped, but dared not hope too much right now; he still remembered his horrible sin.

Wei Ying was braver. He took Lan Zhan's hand and placed his fingers on his lips, kissing them gently, speaking into them:

- Touch me, Lan Zhan... Kiss me... Love me....

Words like those always drove him crazy; Lan Wangji moved him so that he was sitting in his lap now, their lips met and Wei Ying moaned, remembering all those gentle kisses, remembering what it was like to lose yourself in the caresses of another. Strong hands were holding him tight and he closed his eyes, enjoying the velvet on his skin. Lan Zhan was kissing his cheeks, and his chin and his neck; small gentle kisses caressed his lips and his ears. A delicate tongue was brushing against his own, also leaving small wet traces on his collarbone and his now bare shoulders.

- Ah, Lan Zhan... this... ohhh...  -  he could not go on, another kiss swept him off his feet, and he wrapped his arms around Lan Zhan's neck, closing his eyes again, and feeling, rather than seeing, how his husband lifted him up and carried him to the bedroom. He hid his face in Lan Wangji's bosom, breathing in his scent. It was all  so good...

Lan Wangji lay him on the bed and kneeled next to him, now reaching out to undress him. Yet, the moment his hands tried to undo the belt and remove the robes, Wei Ying suddenly shuddered, and behind closed lids there came the memory of the same hands pulling at him, tearing his clothes apart, bruising his limbs, letting him bleed. Violently, mercilessly, brutally.

Lan Zhan stopped abruptly as Wei Ying got away from him quickly, now cowering in the far end of the bed, staring at him wildly, like a frightened animal. His eyes were wide open, terrified. He was panting heavily.

- Wei Ying...  -  Lan Zhan could only stretch out his arm in despair and hopelessness.

- I can't.  I can't.  –  Wei Ying wgisoered coarsely, shivering all over.  –  I can't...

Lan Zhan's eyes filled up with tears and he buried his face in his hands sobbing pitifully.

- I've lost him... How will I live now...  –  he was crying, feeling all his body go numb. No, he was not happy. No, nothing was alright. 

He was now sure he had lost the only good thing in his life.

Wei Ying's heart was breaking. He loved him so much....  What had happened just now was a reflex, he could not control it. He was watching Lan Zhan sob and he was yearning to go and console him, take him in his arms and tell him that all was going to be fine. But his body would not listen to him. 

His body wanted to escape; away from this man, away from this room, away from the pain and danger. 

He was watching his husband crawl towards the door  –  he could not possibly walk  -   respecting his need to be alone, the need for him to be gone. 

Wei Ying gathered all his strength, and all his willpower and cried:

- No. Don't go... Please, stay. Please, stay,  because I love you.

Lan Zhan collapsed on the floor and just cried; he was crushed beneath all the sorrow, drowning in anguish. In just seconds, he felt Wei Ying's arms around him and shivered:

- Please, don't touch me... please let me go... Please, let me die, Wei Ying...  -  he whimpered.

- No.. no... I am not letting you go.... No, Lan Zhan... Stay. Stay with me. I will be stronger. I promise.  –  Wei Ying was sobbing, caressing his face, holding him in his arms, shivering violently.

Lan Zhan was shivering all over too, shaking his head.

- I can't go on like this... We cannot go on like this...  This is torture...  torment...  This is worse than any punishment, Wei Ying... I can't....

Wei Wuxian supported him up to his feet and led him to the bed, helping him out of this clothes, and undressed himself too. Lan Zhan was moving in a haze, but still felt that they were now in bed, and Wei Ying was cuddling into him, shaking severely. He thought that his heart was going to burst and stop  –  the thought that his husband was now afraid of him was devastating. The realization that Wei Wuxian had to muster all his bravery and strength to just hold him was crushing his soul.

- You are right.  –  Wei Ying whispered, exhausted from all the emotions and all the stress.  –  We cannot go on like this. We have to change something.

He held Lan Zhan tight, doing his best to stop the shivering and try to relax into the arms of the one he cherished and loved. Lan Zhan sighed deeply and held him too, more out of habit, as they had spent years hugging and embracing each other  –  by now, their bodies instinctively knew how to fit and match each other, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

- I love you. I love you so much it hurts.

- I love you too, Lan Zhan... I have never stopped loving you.

Lan Zhan tightened his grip on him, and whispered:

- I want to keep you warm... I want to keep you safe... I want to make you happy... This is all. Do I really want so much?

Wei Ying brushed tears away and shook his head.

- We will make it work. I want to be with you... You are my life, Lan Zhan...

Lan Wangji remembered their wedding vows and his heart melted. He remembered his brother's words too.

- I want you to be as happy as you were on our wedding day, Wei Ying.

Wei Wuxian smiled. It was a glorious day indeed. He sighed and relaxed a little more in his lover's arms, trying hard to be closer, skin on skin, without trembling.

- I am going to let everybody have a holiday from work. I want to be alone with you. I want to spend time just with you.  –  Lan Zhan said firmly; he had already made the decision without realizing it.

Wei Ying sighed.

- This is a really great idea, my heart... Just you and me.... When was the last time we had this?

- It's years... Years ago.  –  Lan Zhan said, his hands caressing Wei Ying's back lightly. 

He was so thankful that he was relaxing again, accepting his touch again  –  the terror on his face from moments ago was driving daggers in his heart and he doubted he'd ever be able to forget it.

Another too painful memory to his collection of nightmares.