Broken Smile

An answer to the question!

It was for a long time now that I forgot what it felt like being happy. I didn't even know if I knew the feeling of love or happiness at all. All I could ever remember was pain and sadness. My whole life I've been enduring this always asking myself one and the same question:

"Why should I go on any longer?"

This question was something that I was asking myself as long as I can remember but up until now I always found a reason to go on. It was not for my happiness or that I cared for my life or was scared of dying. No. That was not it. It was my mother.

She was never a good mom always ignoring me. However she never hit me or did any physical damage to me. My mom was also so kind and was cooking for me my whole life. She gave me everything I needed besides the one thing I wanted the most: LOVE!

I never knew that feeling, never had someone recognize me or care for me. Ever since she found out that I was quirkless and my father divorcing leaving her alone with me, she began changing. At first she was still caring to a degree. I was meeting her and I was seeing her every day. However these days quickly changed in me only finding food on the counter or notes left by her.

To be quite honest I didn't even know how she looked like anymore. It was soo long that I have actually faced her again. We did communicate sometimes but it was only through messages. She hated my voice and how I looked that's what she said to me. Don't take it personal she said to me....

I never did. How could I if she was providing me with food, money and shelter. No matter how little I saw her I was never angry at her. Despite everything, I still loved her. However I knew that she didn't care what was happening to me. This was only getting more visible after we were told that all the students of UA had to be in their dorm system.

She didn't even say a thing to me only send me all the stuff I had in my room and left. I tried contacting her but her old phone number was no longer in service and the apartment we lived in was empty. I wanted to see her one last time to remember how she looked like to hear her voice just one more time before she abandons me.

I knew it was only a matter of time. I always had known that. However this time I knew it was happening and I was desperate to see her one last time.... No matter how long I looked and searched after her, I couldn't find her.

It was stupid of me but I couldn't help it anyways.

It was only after the sports festival and I was sitting in the classroom looking outside the window watching the rain fall down.

Why should I go on any longer?

The question was stuck in my mind all these years and while I was looking outside the window completely ignoring Mic-sensei, I couldn't help but remember all the days I was beaten up by Bakugo and his friends. He never cared for me.

Mic-sensei: Now who wants to read the next chapter?

I wonder if someone will miss me if I just vanish....

Mic-sensei: Not so many at once!

Mom won't care anyways.

Mic-sensei: Come on little listener don't be soo shy!!

If my friends would care?

Who am I even calling friends!!!

They haven't seen through the mask I wear!

As if a kid could smile 24/7 !

A broken and fake smile maybe but no real one!

They were never my friends in the first place!

Bakugo and Todoroki go after me just too went out their anger issues and problems... If I didn't know it better I would say they think of hero lessons as therapy where they could beat me up. I am sure they would rate it as the best therapy lesson they had in their entire time!

Mic-sensei: Ah Midoriya-san why don't you do it?

Me: Yes, Mic-sensei!

I had my book open in front of me and so I began reading out the paragraph he wanted me to read.

Me: There was nothing I had left. They took everything from me and yet I am standing and fighting alongside the people taking everything away. I didn't care what was happening to me. I already gave up so long ago. Then why am I still going? What is holding me back from joining my loved ones? There is only one explanation to this and it is my selfishness clinging on to the precious life god gave me.

Mic-sensei: That was very good Midoriya. Now Iida please continue this.

We were currently reading a book about a man that was betrayed and lost everything he had. He lost his family, his kids, his home and was enslaved in order to fight for the same people that took him everything away. There were many opportunities he could have killed himself and yet he never even thought of doing it.

It wasn't long that the whole class ended and if that story taught me anything than it was that it was finally time for me to let go of this crappy life. No one would care anyways.

The day quickly passed and I was back in the dorms again. It was still raining and I hated the rain. Just the look of it reminded me of how much I used to cry all the time. Now I had no tears to cry anymore. They were all gone.

I spent the rest of the day alone in my room thinking of ways to end my life in peace. There were many options but there was one I really liked:

Bleeding out to death

I had so many cut marks that I lost count of them. At first I started with only 5 of them. These 5 quickly evolved into 21 and from there on I went to 42 a day. As time passed by I stopped feeling the pain and the relieve I got from them so I changed the number and increased it again. However I couldn't feel the relieve it was once bringing me. The only pleasure that remain was the beautiful sight of my blood dripping and falling to the ground like a tear drop.

Today there was no one stopping me from doing this. No one was here. My friends were all out enjoying the evening without me. They were out watching a movie and never asked me to go with them. Were they getting colder to me? Maybe. I had the feeling that they were trying to get away from me and I could understand them. I was a failure after all. Even Bakugo stopped screaming at me saying I was not worth his time.

I quietly flopped myself on the bed and cut two deep slashed into my wrist. Now all I had to do was wait and enjoy the sensation of getting colder and colder with each passing minute. This was the end of my story. This was the end of my fight. I simply gave up. There was nothing a broken solder like me could do any longer.

It didn't take long for me to feel very sluggish and sleepy and I was tired of fighting an endless and pointless fight with my own life. This was the reason I welcomed the darkness with open arms and smiled a true happy smile for the first time in my life.