The Fault in Our Stars(What if Hazel Died)

Chapter Three

Hazel Grace died eight days after her pre-funeral. It didn’t seem real. I can’t tell you how many times I texted her phone waiting her to reply with one of her witty comments but she never did and every time I realized this, I couldn’t hold in my grief. I called her many times wanting to hear her beautiful voice tell me something, anything, but she never answered because she was dead. No matter how much I said it, I couldn’t believe that my Hazel was dead. How am I supposed to live in a world without Hazel Grace? How am I going to live in a world where I don’t have anybody to tell me Okay? How am I supposed to keep on going and living every day if I don’t have Hazel Grace’s beautiful green eyes looking up to mine? How? The next few days pass in a blur. I sit on the floor and look at my computer screen. I stare at her last e-mails to me and email her back. It’s only when I realize that she will never reply that I break down. Somehow, I can’t find the power in me to actually cry for Hazel. I think that if I actually start crying then, it’ll just make her death that much more real. My parents come in and try to comfort me, but it’s no use. There is no possible comfort for the pain that I feel. I get up and take the keys. I don’t know where I’m driving at first but suddenly, I find myself in front of Hazel’s house. I stop the car and park it. I walk up to the door and raise my hand to knock, but I feel my hand stop in midair. I know what I’ll see. I’ll see the parents of my Hazel Grace crying and mourning their daughter who is dead; just another reminder that she’s gone. I lower my hand and walk to the back of the house. I look at the window of the room that Hazel Grace once lived in. I stay there, expecting her to turn on the light and open the window to smile at me. But the light never turned on. I walked over to the place where the sad swing set once sat. I sat on the ground in front of it and realized that it seemed even sadder without it there than it seemed with it there. I remember sitting on the swing next to Hazel and thinking how beautiful she was. How she told me she was a grenade. But I didn’t listen to her because I knew it was true. I loved her but one day, I knew she was going to die. I thought I would me prepared for that, but I’m not. Not even close.

On the ride to the funeral I couldn’t think about seeing Hazel in that coffin. I knew what I would see: eyes closed, cold hands, death. My parents kept on trying to talk to me, telling me everything’s okay. But I knew that nothing would ever be okayever again. I would never be okay ever again. When we arrive, I don’t want to get out of the car at first. My greatest fear was coming true. I was going to see my Hazel Grace . . . dead. My parents, however, ushered me out of the car. I walked slowly to the place where her body was being shown. I was about to find out what her death dress looked like. The one she told me about in Amsterdam. As I got closer to her, it seemed as if people parted ways and let me through. When I finally stood in front of Hazel Grace’s body, I stared, shocked, at what I saw. She was wearing the blue dress. The same blue dress that she wore in Amsterdam, the same blue dress that I kissed her in; she was wearing it. Her eyes were closed and everything went silent. I expected her to wake up at any moment and smile her beautiful smile. But she never woke up, she never opened her green eyes, she never smiled and she was never going to ever again. I looked at her hands and saw that her blue-black nail polish was still on. She never got the chance to take it off. It was chipped and messy and almost all of it was worn off, but it was still there. I leaned my head closer to hers. I wanted so much for her to open her eyes, to smile, to kiss me. I knew it would never happen but I wanted one last look, one last smile, one last kiss. I kissed her on her pale cheek and held her lifeless hand.

“I love you Hazel Grace and that’ll never change. Okay?” I said. Again, I waited for her to smile and say okay. But in the end, nobody told me okay so I had no way of knowing if it was really okay. I let go of her hand and walked away, leaving my Hazel Grace alone.