The Fault in Our Stars(What if Hazel Died)

Chapter Six

Once we got home and I had a very long talk with my parents, I went downstairs to my room and sat down on my bed. I’m scared of opening the paper; I’m afraid of seeing what Hazel wanted to tell me after she died. I made up my mind and opened the paper. I instantly recognized her delicate handwriting and started to read.

Dear Gus,

By now, I must be gone already. And first of all, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you so soon. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with you until the end but as a very wise man once said,” Apparently, the world is not a wish granting factory.” I know that you hoped I would live to make you a eulogy and if you’re reading this, I didn’t live long enough to write it and say it at your funeral. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wrote your eulogy. It’s on the other paper this one was meant for you to see before you read the eulogy. Pretty weird, I know but I just felt the need to do it. I needed you to know that when I’m not there with you anymore, I don’t want you to sit around all day and stare at walls, I want you to live what’s left of your life. Hang out with Isaac, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids. And, yeah it hurts me to think about you living your life with someone that’s not me but it hurts me even more thinking about my Gus being depressed. I was once depressed until I met you but I can’t bear the thought of the same thing happening to you. I need you to live. I will die but that’s no reason for you to die too. You see, I died physically, but I think that I’m very much alive with you Gus. I will always be with you. No matter what. But you can’t live physically and die on the inside. I can’t let that happen. And I swear on the little life I have left, that if you light that damn cigarette one of these days, I will come back from the dead and slap you right in the face. You know how I feel about that. Anyway, you must want to read your eulogy so I’ll finish this up. I love you Augustus Waters. I love you with my weak, sucky excuse for a heart. You are my okay Gus and even if I’m gone, I will always be your okay too. And I liked my choices very much Gus, very much.

                                                          Okay?

By the time that I’m done reading the first letter, I reach up to find my face wet with tears. These were Hazel’s last words and she chose to write them to me. I thought about earlier; how close I’d been to lighting that cigarette. If it had not been for my parents showing up at that exact time, I would have signed a death contract. I carefully placed the letter next to me and looked at my eulogy. It was also folded up with my name on it. When I opened it, I was surprised to find some pictures fall out. When I picked them up I looked, startled at what I saw. There were five pictures and they were all of us. The first was on the day I met her. She took a picture of me while I was driving and I was looking at her and laughing about something I didn’t even remember now. The next was of us at the bones park. Right after I told her about Amsterdam. She looked so happy in the picture. For what seemed like the first time, I noticed how tired she looked. I can’t believe I didn’t notice her getting worse. I pushed the thought out of my mind. The third was of the both of us in the airplane. I think her mom took it because Hazel was looking at me and I was looking out the window, holding on hard to her hand. I remember that I was so amazed at the sight of the ground from the plane. I remember taking her hand and her squeezing reassuringly and telling me it’s going to be okay. The fourth picture was of us at the fancy restaurant in Amsterdam. I don’t know who took the photo but we were “drinking the stars” and looking into each other’s eyes with such a passion that I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks in an instant. The last picture was of us in the hotel room. She was right next to me with the camera and I was still asleep, a smile on my face from the previous night. She was looking at me with love and I found myself wishing that I had wakened up at that moment and kissed her again. I placed the photos next to the letter and started to read my eulogy.

Dear Gus,

As you probably know by now, I’ve decided to write you a eulogy. I also put in some pictures of us in there as well just if you’re feeling sad. Anyway, on to the eulogy.

 The story of Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace is an epic love story. But since I can’t talk about our love story, I’m going to talk about math. There are an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1, .01, .012, etc. There’s an even bigger amount of numbers between 0 and two or 0 and 1,000. “Some infinities are bigger than other infinites.” We once heard. I got to have an infinity with Augustus Waters and for that, I am eternally grateful but, God do I want more time with him. I want more numbers than I am likely to get.[1] However, I will tell you this, Augustus Waters has given me so much. He has made me smile when no one else could. He’s made me laugh and cry. He’s been my okay and I’m pretty sure that I was his. He was a ray of sunshine in a hurricane; he was my hope that I could keep on living. He made me feel alive again. He didn’t feel pity for the girl with cancer, he embraced her, and he wanted to know her not her cancer story. He was different from everyone else in the world and I was lucky enough to be chosen my him. I love Augustus Waters and there’s nothing that will ever change that. Even if one day, I might not be here anymore, I will always love him. I hope he feels the same for me. Okay Augustus Waters?  

                                                          Forever yours,

                                                             Hazel Grace Lancaster

I look at the letter in silence and feel a weight lift off of my shoulders that I had been holding ever since Hazel died. I suddenly felt at peace and said,

                  “I will keep on living Hazel Grace, I promise. I feel exactly the same for you Hazel, I really do.” With a sigh I said, “Okay Hazel Grace, okay.”   

[1] All credit for this eulogy is given to John Greene, the original writer of The Fault in our Stars.